Hello Everyone...

07:53PM -- I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. My boys and I spent a few hours with my mom and some of the family, then we came home and that's where we stayed the rest of the day.

On Friday, I drove to Charlottesville and ordered mine and Larry's headstone. They will send me a proof before doing the actual engraving to make sure everything is correct, especially our online nicks, which Larry wanted included after I asked him about having them added. He thought it was an "excellent idea". He called me "mickieb" most of the time throughout our 9+ years together.

Under normal circumstances, I would have put up our 7½ foot Christmas tree today. As I'm sure many of you know, this is a difficult time for me. Most of my friends are busy with their own lives right now...especially with family. For me...my heart just isn't in it this year. I'm thinking of buying a small pre-lit, 4 foot tree and adding some of mine and Larry's favorite decorations from over the years. I've also purchased two ornaments. One has a verse that states if I could build a staircase to heaven, I'd bring him back home, and the other is a gold wreath frame with a USA flag bow that I will put his picture in. Chris and Richard are having a hard time with it this year also. I'll put up a tree -- in honor of Larry -- but I don't think I can handle putting up our tree this year.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

08:22AM -- I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. The boys and I are going to my mom's on Thanksgiving day. Most of our family will be there and it will be the first one I've spent away from home in years. I am going to go Friday and order our headstone. It'll take several months before it's actually put in place. I've got the paperwork ready to go in the mail for his military marker also. I've tossed it over so many times on which to order. The bronze, granite or marble one. The bronze one - which would match his casket - doesn't hold up as well under the elements. The granite one seems to last the longest, but the marble one is nice, too. I need to contact the cemetery association and find out what needs to be done (how to handle) installation.

I dropped off over a case of Larry's Ensure at the dialysis unit yesterday afternoon and visited with his nurses, techs and dietician. Needless to say we all ended up in tears. They told me how much they miss both of us over there, and how much respect Larry had earned from everyone in dialysis. They said he had so much dignity and character -- teaching all of them something. I didn't realize until I turned onto Clifton Street and met another lady and her mother (who's on dialysis) leaving what time it was. We waved at one another and I glanced at the clock...I would have been picking Larry up at that time. Of course, that set the stage for my emotions on top of walking back into the building. But I did want to visit with those who had taken care of him for the past 4½ years.

Anyway...I just want to wish all of you a very Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!!!

One day at a time...

08:48AM -- I still haven't finished moving everything around in the house yet. However, the living room is presentable/liveable. I put Larry's tv in the living room, and the small one will go in my bedroom as soon as I can manage to arrange everything the way I want it. I can only change things a little at a time before I become upset. It's hard living without him. *Had to stop writing for a while. Richard walked in and caught me crying. I don't like to cry in front of the boys, because they get upset.* Anyway...Because I now have too much free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. I've been cooking dinner late at night so the boys have at least one homecooked meal (when they come in from work). I don't do it every night, but on average of 3 or 4 times a week. A lot depends on how I'm feeling. I've been sick the last week with sinuses. Then I was on Keflex (2000 mg's/day) to take care of the infection in my leg from where the elastic in a pair of Larry's sweatpants cut off the circulation and caused cellulitis on top of the infection. He sent me for an ultrasound to make sure there were no blood clots -- which there weren't any...thank God!

In the picture...(Left: Linda Center: Bonnie Right: Mom)
My mom and sisters try to get me out of the house on Saturday nights. I've stayed with Bonnie and mom at Bonnie's home because we all go to the Moose in Charlottesville. I always have a good time watching my mom. She dances more than any of us! The incentive for me here is that Bonnie lives just a short drive (on the way home) from the cemetery, so mom and I always stop by there on Sunday mornings when we leave Bonnie's to go home.

A few friends here in Lynchburg try to get me out of the house once or twice during the week. I'm usually out with them for a couple of hours before I come home. Sometimes, I make a loop around town just to make things more like they use to be. The only problem with that is Larry isn't waiting for me to come in the door and ask me what I'm doing home so early. I always -- always -- kissed him whenever I left the house, and we always told one another "I love you". Plus, he'd add for me to be careful and I'd tell him to call me if he needed me for anything. The small stuff...that's what I miss so much. The every day, run of the mill, routine stuff. God, I miss him... I keep a basket of Fall flowers with a cross, a USA flag, and an angel on his grave. I'll change the flowers to something Christmas-y after Thanksgiving.

I'll type more later...keep in touch!!!

One Month...

12:33AM -- Sunday marked one month since I lost the only man that ranked right up there with my two sons in love. I didn't even love their dad as much as I loved the boys. I know...sad, but true. However, Larry shared that spot...that devotion and love. I went to my sister's house again this past Saturday. We met up with my mom and other sister at the Charlottesville Moose. (They really are trying to keep me from isolating myself.) Mom and I always ride by the cemetery on Sunday mornings on our way back to our homes in opposite directions. I did okay, but about half way home, I lost it. Too much time to think while driving, I suppose. A friend called and wanted me to come over to her house and spend some time watching a game with other friends she had invited over. I didn't go. I ended up sleeping most of the day and was in bed for the night by 7:00pm.

The boys have now moved upstairs, and I have turned our computer room into my bedroom. The computers are still in there, but I now have a single bed. The house is still out of order because I get distracted and end up crying. I generally just go to bed. It's hard to change things, when all I really want to do is turn the clock back by at least 6 years. I know I can't. I know I'll never see him come home through the front door again, but God, I wish I could just once more.

I've got packets to mail out to all the kids, Lyle, Alyce, and Lyn...I just need to get to the post office. It's late, so I guess I'll close here. I hope all of you are doing well. Please keep in touch. Love, hugs, and kisses to everyone!

I'm Managing...

03:32PM -- I'm doing better. Not great by any means, but better. I wear his shirts and still spray his Drakkar on his pillows at night. An 8x10 faces me from the table next to his side of the bed, which is where I sleep. I talk to him and pray he'll answer me...whether in a dream; or a vision. I cry. I smile. Then, I cry some more. I told him many years ago that if he died before me he may as well take me with him. He told me if I died before him, he'd totally give up everything -- dialysis, meds, etc. -- because he wouldn't want a life without me, either. Our relationship...our love...was so profound and I thank God for every day I was blessed to have him in my life. I've always said that people go through the bad stuff in life, so that when the good stuff happens you truly appreciate and cherish it even more. God knows, he was my "good stuff". It just doesn't get any better than what we shared between us. I have about 9 pictures of him (of all ages) sitting across the top of our entertainment center in the living room. I wear one of his rings. I still wear his "special" necklace that he gave me. I gave him my wedding ring, slipping it on his little finger days before he passed away. I told him I wanted him to have it...to take something of me with him. Yes, I miss it, but the necklace means just as much to me, if not more. Plus, the necklace had been his.

I'm managing to do a little each day now as far as packing a few things, but only the small stuff. I'm keeping things I know I should throw out. Like the last straw he sipped water from that morning. Tissues that I wiped his mouth with at the end. Sounds morbid, I know. But, God, I just can't let him totally disappear. He was and still is the center of my world. I told my mom the other day, I don't believe there is another man walking this earth that will ever measure up to Larry in my eyes. Once-in-a-lifetime.

The events of that morning...

NOVEMBER 1, 2008: 11:05AM -- It has taken me over a week to finally be able to finish this post. I cry until I make myself sick. I've had to see my doctor and he told me that if I don't get out of the house and start seeing friends and doing things I'm going to make myself a lot worse than I already have. I'm trying. A few of my friends -- because I was out of the loop for several weeks or whatever -- are pretty much removed from my circle. But, then there are those few friends that I thought wouldn't be there for me who have actually rallied and shown me what our friendships are truly made of - Trudy, Martha, and Cindy and Willie, have all been asking me to meet with them. I've gone a few times, but don't stay out long. I feel closer to him here at home. I still feel "antsy" when I'm gone -- like I need to hurry to get back home. I even caught myself this past Monday evening sitting here in front of the computer and thought...'I haven't heard him, I need to go in and check on him.' When I pushed away from the desk and started to get up, I realized what I'd done. I lost it. I've been going to bed very early (sometimes by 7:00pm); I get up between 2:00am and 7:00am. Last night I was up when the boys got home from work at 11:40pm and then I went to bed. I don't spend a lot of time on the computer anymore. I'm doing the one thing I never used to do and that's watch a lot of television. I tell people that Larry has influenced me so much. He raised the bar; setting my standards so high that I don't think there is another person out there that could ever achieve them.

OCTOBER 23, 2008: 09:00AM -- Yesterday marked one week since my wonderful husband passed away. It was hard. I laid on our bed during the space of his final 45 minutes, reliving the events in my mind's eye and crying to the point of making myself sick. I'll never forget Larry waking me at 3:00AM that morning with, "Honey."

My response, "What?"

And him saying, "It's time."

Still groggy with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, I asked, "Time for what, honey?"

He responded, "I'm going to die."

I rolled out of bed, turning on the small lamp next to him, and stood beside him. He told me, "I can't breathe."

I tried to get him to use his O2, but he refused, telling me to "Let me go." Mumbling over and over, "Just let me go." I assured him I would do whatever he wanted.

His breathing was very shallow, his skin cool, and I tried to get him to take the Morphine, but again he refused, telling me to "just let me go." I told him the Morphine would help open his airways, making breathing easier. I then called hospice and covered him with a thin thermal blanket.

He talked so lucidly most of the morning, although at one point he said he couldn't see me. That's when I turned on the overhead light. The nurse came in around 3:30AM and checked him. His heart rate was 66 beats/minute. She noticed, as I had, that his mouth was somewhat twisted and said he had most likely had a mini stroke. I told her he had a history of them. She told me he would most likely last until afternoon or early evening. Then, she left to go to another patient in Bedford.

I called Alice, his hospice nurse, later that morning, leaving a voicemail, and she came by, getting here around 10:00AM, I think. She had another patient in the final stages of life also. His sister Lyn had arrived back at our house around 8:45AM from SC. I stayed next to him either on the bed or sitting in a chair beside the bed.

He asked about Jim at dialysis - if he had been there the night before. I explained he hadn't that it had been almost two weeks since Jim's visit.

He asked about Lyn and if I had talked to her. I said 'yes' that I had called her and told her, and that she was already on her way here. He said he wished I hadn't said anything to her. Then we talked about my many trips alone from SC to VA when my dad was so sick. He repeated a few times, "father and daughter". Then he talked about Alyson, his daughter, for a couple of minutes.

I'd noticed he had broken out into a sweat

At approximately 10:20AM - with Alice and Lyn out of the room - Larry looked me directly in my eyes, holding our gaze for a few moments, and in a clear, intelligible voice told me "I love you so much." I hugged him tight, kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. Those were his last words to me.

Finish date -- NOVEMBER 1, 2008: Alice had finally gotten Larry to agree to take some Morphine. (20mg, which is a very low dose) With Alice and Lyn in the bedroom, I took a break and walked out on the front porch for a cigarette. Ten minutes. During this time, Alice joined me and keyed in information on her laptop while talking to me. She said he would probably last until that afternoon because his skin was warm and his heart rate was 66 and 81 beats per minute. She said that wasn't unusual at the end. Because their b/p cuffs never worked on him, she was unable to check his blood pressure, so I suggested checking his temperature/body temperature. She said she was going to do that when we went in. Needless to say, I went back in.

I stood at the foot of the bed and Alice placed the thermometer under his left arm. (He was laying on his right side.) Lyn was sitting on the bed next to him. His left arm suddenly shot straight up in the air, his head turning to face the ceiling and eyes wide open. He gasped as if in pain. Looked over towards Lyn and closed his eyes. Lyn moved up from the bed as I quickly moved and sat down next to him, placing my hand on his cheek...talking to him softly. Moments later the rattle began that indicates the end. Tears sprang in my eyes as I continued telling him how much I loved him. I remember Alice touching my arm that was around his waist and asking if I wanted them to leave the room and I said 'yes'. Then, I repeated what I knew he needed to hear..."It's okay, honey. Let go." "Go to that happy place." "I love you so much." "I'll be okay, just let go, honey." "No one will ever replace you in my life...You have been and will always be the center of my world." "God is there for you." "It's okay to let go, baby." Needless to say, my heart broke; but, I knew he needed to let go. It was time. Time to stop hurting and be whole...healthy...happy. And, he had already had a glimpse of what awaited him on the other side over a year ago. It took between 5 -10 minutes at the most, before he let go at 10:56am. I stayed with him, hugging him and kissing him. While it was the best thing for him, my world fell apart.

Alice checked for a heartbeat, but I didn't need the confirmation. I knew. Lyn came in and sat on his side of the bed. I had her give me several tissues and I wiped the saliva from the corner of his mouth and out of his beard. Alice and I changed him and cleaned him up; got him dressed before Mr. Page came to pick him up and take him to the funeral home. We had an hour with him which was fine by me. Linda (at the funeral home)called me once he had gotten there "safe and sound".

I will attempt to add more on the days following. In the meantime, you can visit the Daily Progress newspaper's website to see Larry's obit/picture and sign the guestbook by clicking here.

My World Shattered This Morning...

PORTER, LARRY MILTON
Larry Milton Porter of Lynchburg, VA died Thursday, October 16, 2008, at his home after a lengthy illness. Born in Lansing, MI., he is the son of Alyce Vera Slater of Swansea, SC and Lyle Dean Porter of New Port Richey, FL.

In addition to his parents, he is survived by his devoted and loving wife, Brenda (Brown) Porter; sons, Craig of GA; Robert (Stacy); Kevin (Tommilyn); and daughter, Alyson (Justin), all of MO; son, Christopher (Jennifer); daughter, Erin, all of OH; stepsons, David and Richard Davis of Lynchburg; and 10 grandchildren. Additional survivors include his sister, Lynell Williamson (Michael) of SC.

Mr. Porter served as a member of the U.S. Navy assigned to the USS Magoffin (APA-199) during the Vietnam War, receiving an Honorable Discharge in 1965.

He retired in 1998 as Medical Administrator of the Veteran's Outpatient Clinic in Toledo, Ohio after 18 years service.

Mr. Porter was a member of American Legion Post 553 in Toledo, Ohio for 19 years. Prior to leaving the area in 2000, Post 553 presented a Resolution recognizing him as Honorary Post Commander.

The family will receive family and friends at Thacker Brothers Funeral Home in Scottsville, VA from 7 to 8 p.m. Saturday, October 18, 2008. Services will be held on Sunday, October 19, 2008 at 2:00 p.m. in the Thacker Brothers Chapel with graveside services and interment at Scottsville Cemetery in Scottsville, VA.

Thacker Brothers Funeral Home, Scottsville, VA, is in charge of arrangements, (434) 286-2791.