Thinking of you & missing you...

Wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today,but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories & a picture in a frame. Your memory is a ...keepsake...from which I'll never part....... God has you in his arms...I have you in my heart ~ Re-post if you have someone in heaven.

Would have celebrated 11 years today

Today marks 11 years since the day Larry and I first met face-to-face in New York where he and Alyson picked me up. We spent the night in Mesena, NY before traveling back to Ohio the next day. Beautiful memories that I will cherish for a lifetime. The ultimate of what a relationship should be between two people.

I love you, Babe!
Forever,

Happy 63rd Birthday, Baby...

Larry - My Perfect Match & Soul Mate
07-21-1947 thru 10-16-2008

I miss you so much, honey.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you.

With all my love forever....
Brenda

Our Wedding Anniversary: 04/27/2001

This past Tuesday would have been mine and Larry's 9th wedding anniversary. I missed the poem he would have written. I missed his smile when he would look at me and tell me "Happy Anniversary, Darling". I missed the kiss. I missed the hug.

I have a hard time dealing with his passing when special dates roll around. Tomorrow, May 1st, will mark the first conversation we had online. He had such a "presence" online. A "bigger than life" presence. I knew he was special even then.

I haven't been to the cemetery. Not because I haven't wanted to go. Generally, it's been because of weather (we had a horrendous winter), or the lack of money. Besides, his presence is still here in our home. His pictures still hang on my walls. His clothes still hang in our closet. I still have a hard time packing away anything of his. I have done some packing, but I just can't bring myself to put away, give away, or throw out his "stuff" (his term), without breaking down. His greeting is still on his cell phone that I use now. At least I can still hear his voice.

God, I miss him so much! I have a lot of pictures of him on my Facebook page...http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1106200284&ref=profile.

I'll always love you, Larry. Always...

One Year Later....

October 19, 2009: 01:00PM: Today marks one year since Larry's funeral. Today isn't any easier to handle than this past Friday, October 16. It seems at times it's been forever since I held him, kissed him, heard his voice, or assisted with his care. At other times, it's as if it were yesterday. I miss him so much. Although I've moved on, it hasn't been easy. It still isn't.

Luckily, David is very accepting of the turmoil and moods I go through in dealing with Larry's loss. He gives me space when I need it. He is only a step away when I need his support. Which is rare when I'm trying to get through the pain. I don't like being hugged or coddled when I'm dealing with my emotions where Larry is concerned. I've never had the luxury of being able to lean on someone until now, and it's quite foreign to me. I've always gotten through rough times on my own strengths. I don't like to depend on others.

I've changed the flowers on Larry's grave, putting in Fall arrangements. His angels are all there and the solar one is still working. So, there is always some light there. I was going to visit him on Friday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know he wanted me to go on with my life. I can't remember the number of times the subject came up in conversations the last three months. His last words to me were "No matter what happens, I want you to always remember how very much I love you." There were so many times that last 2 weeks I wanted to tell him to go back to dialysis, that I wasn't ready to lose him...didn't want to lose him, but he had asked me to support his wishes, and so I kept those thoughts to myself. Even as he said those words to me, I wanted to scream that I didn't want him to go. That I wasn't ready to lose him. But I had promised him I'd support his wishes. He made me promise not to talk him out of his final decision. God, if I could just have one more day....just one. I will always love you, Larry. There's a part of me that no one else will ever lay claim to....a part so deep in my soul that only he will possess.

When we first met, he told me in regards to relationships, don't ever accept less than what you want. If you do, it won't work. You won't be happy. Larry was and always will be my perfect match...he fulfilled everything I wanted or needed in a relationship. We had a truly blessed and beautiful marriage/relationship. One that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I thank God I had him for as long as I did...and cherish each and every moment we were given together.

Yesterday, July 21, 2009

9:09AM -- I know I have missed birthdays and anniversaries the past few months. I've never been good at them, but I know Alyson and Kevin celebrated b'days. Mike and Lyle also. Happy Anniversary to Kevin and Tommilyn...which I know was earlier this month. I'm also aware that August holds a lot of special days for those of you out in MO...so, I'm sending those wishes to you as well.

Yesterday was hard. I picked up an ecard w/note from Lyn; got a call from Alyce once I had reached the shopping center in Scottsville; and, just before bedtime, I got an email from Rob and his family. They all meant so much to me. I spent quite a while at the cemetery talking to Larry....smiles...tears...remembering last year vividly. The conversations we held right up to the end. Even now, his voice will break into my thoughts at any given time of day/night. He was so unselfish. I know some of you find that hard to believe.....but, he really was. He worried about me all the time, once he was gone. Kept telling me to live my life...find someone to take care of me...how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy. Gawd...he was one in a million. I was so lucky to have met him...to have shared his life...those years were the best of my life. I don't know if he truly understood how much he influenced my life...how much happiness he brought into my life... If I could have him back...just long enough to hug and kiss him once more...tell him how much I love him...and to see his smile...hear his laughter...his voice... One day...then we'll be together eternally just as we had talked about over the years.

Father's Day 06/21/09

Here are a couple of pictures I took Sunday, June 21, 2009 (Father's Day) when I went to the cemetery to put new flowers on Larry's grave. God, I still miss him so much. Anyway....I hope all the "dads" in the family had a wonderful day with family. Cherish each and every day with them.

I visit the cemetery often, I just don't post here much anymore. Trying to move on with my life as he and I had discussed. Larry always told me he didn't want me to be alone...God, he was one in a million. I have met someone here in Lynchburg. He's good to me and gets along very well with Chris and Richard. He has gone with me several times to the cemetery as well; and, understands when I have to go alone.

Larry and I have daily conversations...about my life...our life together...and how much we miss one another...how much we still love one another...and, conversations about anything and everything. He still calls me "mickieb"...*smile*...I miss him...his voice...and I recently found the camcorder tapes of him. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch them yet. It still hurts too much. His pictures are still displayed in our home....and will be for a long time to come. I love all of you and hope everyone is well.