October 19, 2009: 01:00PM: Today marks one year since Larry's funeral. Today isn't any easier to handle than this past Friday, October 16. It seems at times it's been forever since I held him, kissed him, heard his voice, or assisted with his care. At other times, it's as if it were yesterday. I miss him so much. Although I've moved on, it hasn't been easy. It still isn't.
Luckily, David is very accepting of the turmoil and moods I go through in dealing with Larry's loss. He gives me space when I need it. He is only a step away when I need his support. Which is rare when I'm trying to get through the pain. I don't like being hugged or coddled when I'm dealing with my emotions where Larry is concerned. I've never had the luxury of being able to lean on someone until now, and it's quite foreign to me. I've always gotten through rough times on my own strengths. I don't like to depend on others.
I've changed the flowers on Larry's grave, putting in Fall arrangements. His angels are all there and the solar one is still working. So, there is always some light there. I was going to visit him on Friday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know he wanted me to go on with my life. I can't remember the number of times the subject came up in conversations the last three months. His last words to me were "No matter what happens, I want you to always remember how very much I love you." There were so many times that last 2 weeks I wanted to tell him to go back to dialysis, that I wasn't ready to lose him...didn't want to lose him, but he had asked me to support his wishes, and so I kept those thoughts to myself. Even as he said those words to me, I wanted to scream that I didn't want him to go. That I wasn't ready to lose him. But I had promised him I'd support his wishes. He made me promise not to talk him out of his final decision. God, if I could just have one more day....just one. I will always love you, Larry. There's a part of me that no one else will ever lay claim to....a part so deep in my soul that only he will possess.
When we first met, he told me in regards to relationships, don't ever accept less than what you want. If you do, it won't work. You won't be happy. Larry was and always will be my perfect match...he fulfilled everything I wanted or needed in a relationship. We had a truly blessed and beautiful marriage/relationship. One that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I thank God I had him for as long as I did...and cherish each and every moment we were given together.
Posts
