The end of the year is here...

6:22PM -- and I just want to wish everyone a very happy, safe and healthy New Year. God bless all of you.

Happy New Year Graphics provided by MUDTRAP.COM

Nothing wrapped yet...

(Larry with his ham rollups.)

11:06AM -- As I'm sure you know, Christmas just isn't the same this year. I haven't bothered to decorate outside like I normally do. I haven't put out my usual decorations inside either. I rarely plug in the lights on the tree that Larry bought for us on our first Christmas 9 years ago. The 2 ornaments I bought are hanging on the tree, but that's not decked out like I usually trim it. I can't even get Christmas cards out this year. So, if I miss you, please don't feel as though I slighted you. I'm just having a hard time. Know that in my heart I'm sending you Christmas wishes.

A girl friend called and asked me to go out with her last night. I didn't even know the band I work with was playing, and I haven't seen them in over 3 months. It was good to see them again. They all hugged me and said everyone was asking if the other had heard anything from me. They had missed me and were happy to see me out again. We are like family...brothers and sister. The band plays all the great music of the 60s and 70s from classic rock, disco, funk, soul and some country. I had a good time with Martha, the band and another friend, Molly.

Then I had to come home. When I go to bed, I always tell Larry goodnight and that I love him. I can hear his "Goodnight, babe. I love you too" in my head. And I always end up crying myself to sleep...the norm for me lately. I usually spray his Drakkar on my pillows and hug them.

My mom is after me to come up to my sister's again today to go to the Moose in Charlottesville with all of them tonight. I actually have plans to meet friends at Cattle Annie's here in town, but I'm leaning towards going to my sister's. If I go, I won't be home until sometime Sunday, about mid-day. And mom and I will go by the cemetery on our way home. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Both of the boys have to work today (different hours), so I'll have to take Chris (David) to work. Richard will pick him up. Then, Chris has to work 6 hours on Sunday. Richard is off.

As promised, here's a picture of our Christmas tree. The gold ornament about center of the tree is the one that holds a picture of Larry and me taken this past summer when Alyson, Justin and the children were here. The one with the verse on it is near the top of the tree but is hard to pick out. Just in case I fail to make it back before Christmas, we wish each of you a Merry Christmas.

Made it through...

10:00AM -- I made a new arrangement for Larry's grave on Saturday. Below is the picture. You can click on the pic and it will open to full size. I added the wooden angel too. I talked to Toledo friends - Neva and Bob - this past Saturday. Or was it Friday? Anyway, it was a nice conversation. Got a Christmas card from Rob, Stacy and the grandbabies. Thank you for the picture and note.

Not much news to report here. Unleaded Regular gas is down to $1.47 a gallon as of yesterday. Every time it drops, I think of Larry's reaction. Neither of us thought we'd see gas under $3.00/gallon again just back in July or August. Gawd, I miss our discussions. The ones where we would start on one topic and ease into another and another. Discussions that would last two and three hours at a time. We had that communication thingie going on from day one. I loved it. Sometimes he'd tell me about his dreams during the night - if he remembered them. He talked in detail last Spring about the hallucinations he was experiencing while in the hospital and nursing facility. We talked about us...about our pasts...about his concerns for me once he was gone. We talked politics...religion...books...movies....songs....food....our life....how we met online....what happened online....wars....tv shows....his health....my vision....my hearing....economics/economy...his job at the VA....everything...we talked about everything practically every day for the past 9+ years.

I just remembered...

01:47AM -- On Wednesday, I had to make a trip to Charlottesville (an hour away), so I took the scenic route home through Scottsville and went by the cemetery. I put the USA flag on Larry's grave, replacing the one the wind took off a couple of weeks ago. I've got plenty here at home that I use to line the yard with on holidays down along Buttonwood. I'll be so glad once our headstone is in place, but I don't expect that until some time in February or March -- if I'm lucky. Larry's marker is hidden by the flag.

As you can see, I'm up late again. I've been working on getting all the packets ready to mail to all of Larry's kids, Lyn and his parents. I want to include Christmas cards in them, so I don't have to make another trip to the post office. Bad enough having to go even once this time of the year. Need to go to bed, so more later today!

Just a note: If you click on any of the pictures on this website, they will show up as the full size picture. So, the one of Larry below (in my previous post) would be much larger. And if you wanted to save it to your computer, just right click your mouse button and save it.

Eight Weeks Today...

(Larry -- my once-in-a-lifetime love)

11:34AM -- I sat in front of my computer this morning for almost half an hour, staring at a close-up photo (the one here) of Larry taken back in July just before his 61st birthday. Chris, Jennifer, Erin, and Sarah were visiting then. The sparkle in his eyes and the easy smile just tear at my heart and soul. I miss him desperately, and still find it hard to believe he is really gone. He'll never come back through our front door. Yes, I cried until I made myself sick...yet again. I have two anti-depressants, but I don't take them. I don't want to take them. People ask why, and my answer may not make sense to anyone else, but I tell them "I WANT to FEEL this". I stay home a lot. I prefer staying here at home. I wouldn't go out if it wasn't for a couple of my friends and my mom who seem determined not to let me totally isolate myself from the rest of the world. Although occasionally I do make an effort to catch up with a friend now and then. Friends I thought would take the lead and be here for me have pretty much left me to handle this alone. Or at least let someone else do it. Overall, I'm sure the way I'm dealing with it is not healthy, but I just can't let go of the only man that made me whole. Who taught me so much about myself and what it means to love someone so much that you'd crawl through fire and broken glass for them, or face demons (real or imaginary) without hesitation as to your own welfare. I've been selfish, no doubt, over the years. I didn't want others to step in and do things for him. I wanted to do them. If I had been doing something for him and he did it without asking me to do it, I'd feel hurt/upset. Even Hospice couldn't understand why I never solicited their services of having someone come in and stay with him the last 3 or so weeks so I could go out for "a break". Larry and I had a unique relationship. An emotional connection/commitment that few could even begin to comprehend. From the very beginning, when we met online and talked for hours on end (computer and phone), he was always foremost in my thoughts. Whatever pleased him, pleased me. God knows, the closer the end got, and my tension began to soar, I could go from zero to b***h in under a nano-second. Larry...my mom...friends...family....no one was the exception. When I fired off at Larry, I always went back and apologized. And he always understood. He knew what I was going through and the turmoil that was literally eating me alive. I'm not as quick to sound off on someone now...but, I'm not back to "me" yet either. In time, I'm sure I'll "settle down" and the former "me" will emerge once again. Just not now.

It's white here!

07:41PM -- It's been really cold here. The last time I looked the highest the temp got was 30º. Then, this afternoon around 4:00 it started snowing. Small flakes. The ground is white, but there isn't a lot of the white stuff on it. However, just enough to make Virginians antsy. After living in upstate NY, this doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I know most Virginians don't know how to drive in it! Richard got off from work at 6:00pm tonight, and he said there were 5 wrecks on the way home. 'Nuff said.
Anyway, I went to my sister's house (Bonnie) yesterday and met her, her husband, and my mom there. Then, we all went to a private Christmas party at the Charlottesville Moose we had all been invited to a couple of weeks ago. My other sister, Linda, and her husband met us there. It was nice...and lots of food...good music. We left a little after 11:00pm and came back to Bonnie's for the night. I left there this morning and got home around 10:30ish. Before I got to Bonnie's house, I stopped by the cemetery and placed a basket of red and white poinsettia and a Christmas tree on Larry's grave. I brought the basket of fall flowers home that were there. I've included a picture here. Got a Christmas card from Chris and Jennifer (1st one of the year) and another today from Kristy. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts, Kristy. I started not to put up our big Christmas tree here at home, but Larry would have expected it. I didn't deck it out like I generally do each year, but at least it's up....for him. I'll post a picture here shortly. I'll type more later...take care everyone!