Eight Weeks Today...

(Larry -- my once-in-a-lifetime love)

11:34AM -- I sat in front of my computer this morning for almost half an hour, staring at a close-up photo (the one here) of Larry taken back in July just before his 61st birthday. Chris, Jennifer, Erin, and Sarah were visiting then. The sparkle in his eyes and the easy smile just tear at my heart and soul. I miss him desperately, and still find it hard to believe he is really gone. He'll never come back through our front door. Yes, I cried until I made myself sick...yet again. I have two anti-depressants, but I don't take them. I don't want to take them. People ask why, and my answer may not make sense to anyone else, but I tell them "I WANT to FEEL this". I stay home a lot. I prefer staying here at home. I wouldn't go out if it wasn't for a couple of my friends and my mom who seem determined not to let me totally isolate myself from the rest of the world. Although occasionally I do make an effort to catch up with a friend now and then. Friends I thought would take the lead and be here for me have pretty much left me to handle this alone. Or at least let someone else do it. Overall, I'm sure the way I'm dealing with it is not healthy, but I just can't let go of the only man that made me whole. Who taught me so much about myself and what it means to love someone so much that you'd crawl through fire and broken glass for them, or face demons (real or imaginary) without hesitation as to your own welfare. I've been selfish, no doubt, over the years. I didn't want others to step in and do things for him. I wanted to do them. If I had been doing something for him and he did it without asking me to do it, I'd feel hurt/upset. Even Hospice couldn't understand why I never solicited their services of having someone come in and stay with him the last 3 or so weeks so I could go out for "a break". Larry and I had a unique relationship. An emotional connection/commitment that few could even begin to comprehend. From the very beginning, when we met online and talked for hours on end (computer and phone), he was always foremost in my thoughts. Whatever pleased him, pleased me. God knows, the closer the end got, and my tension began to soar, I could go from zero to b***h in under a nano-second. Larry...my mom...friends...family....no one was the exception. When I fired off at Larry, I always went back and apologized. And he always understood. He knew what I was going through and the turmoil that was literally eating me alive. I'm not as quick to sound off on someone now...but, I'm not back to "me" yet either. In time, I'm sure I'll "settle down" and the former "me" will emerge once again. Just not now.