One Year Later....

October 19, 2009: 01:00PM: Today marks one year since Larry's funeral. Today isn't any easier to handle than this past Friday, October 16. It seems at times it's been forever since I held him, kissed him, heard his voice, or assisted with his care. At other times, it's as if it were yesterday. I miss him so much. Although I've moved on, it hasn't been easy. It still isn't.

Luckily, David is very accepting of the turmoil and moods I go through in dealing with Larry's loss. He gives me space when I need it. He is only a step away when I need his support. Which is rare when I'm trying to get through the pain. I don't like being hugged or coddled when I'm dealing with my emotions where Larry is concerned. I've never had the luxury of being able to lean on someone until now, and it's quite foreign to me. I've always gotten through rough times on my own strengths. I don't like to depend on others.

I've changed the flowers on Larry's grave, putting in Fall arrangements. His angels are all there and the solar one is still working. So, there is always some light there. I was going to visit him on Friday, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know he wanted me to go on with my life. I can't remember the number of times the subject came up in conversations the last three months. His last words to me were "No matter what happens, I want you to always remember how very much I love you." There were so many times that last 2 weeks I wanted to tell him to go back to dialysis, that I wasn't ready to lose him...didn't want to lose him, but he had asked me to support his wishes, and so I kept those thoughts to myself. Even as he said those words to me, I wanted to scream that I didn't want him to go. That I wasn't ready to lose him. But I had promised him I'd support his wishes. He made me promise not to talk him out of his final decision. God, if I could just have one more day....just one. I will always love you, Larry. There's a part of me that no one else will ever lay claim to....a part so deep in my soul that only he will possess.

When we first met, he told me in regards to relationships, don't ever accept less than what you want. If you do, it won't work. You won't be happy. Larry was and always will be my perfect match...he fulfilled everything I wanted or needed in a relationship. We had a truly blessed and beautiful marriage/relationship. One that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I thank God I had him for as long as I did...and cherish each and every moment we were given together.

Yesterday, July 21, 2009

9:09AM -- I know I have missed birthdays and anniversaries the past few months. I've never been good at them, but I know Alyson and Kevin celebrated b'days. Mike and Lyle also. Happy Anniversary to Kevin and Tommilyn...which I know was earlier this month. I'm also aware that August holds a lot of special days for those of you out in MO...so, I'm sending those wishes to you as well.

Yesterday was hard. I picked up an ecard w/note from Lyn; got a call from Alyce once I had reached the shopping center in Scottsville; and, just before bedtime, I got an email from Rob and his family. They all meant so much to me. I spent quite a while at the cemetery talking to Larry....smiles...tears...remembering last year vividly. The conversations we held right up to the end. Even now, his voice will break into my thoughts at any given time of day/night. He was so unselfish. I know some of you find that hard to believe.....but, he really was. He worried about me all the time, once he was gone. Kept telling me to live my life...find someone to take care of me...how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy. Gawd...he was one in a million. I was so lucky to have met him...to have shared his life...those years were the best of my life. I don't know if he truly understood how much he influenced my life...how much happiness he brought into my life... If I could have him back...just long enough to hug and kiss him once more...tell him how much I love him...and to see his smile...hear his laughter...his voice... One day...then we'll be together eternally just as we had talked about over the years.

Father's Day 06/21/09

Here are a couple of pictures I took Sunday, June 21, 2009 (Father's Day) when I went to the cemetery to put new flowers on Larry's grave. God, I still miss him so much. Anyway....I hope all the "dads" in the family had a wonderful day with family. Cherish each and every day with them.

I visit the cemetery often, I just don't post here much anymore. Trying to move on with my life as he and I had discussed. Larry always told me he didn't want me to be alone...God, he was one in a million. I have met someone here in Lynchburg. He's good to me and gets along very well with Chris and Richard. He has gone with me several times to the cemetery as well; and, understands when I have to go alone.

Larry and I have daily conversations...about my life...our life together...and how much we miss one another...how much we still love one another...and, conversations about anything and everything. He still calls me "mickieb"...*smile*...I miss him...his voice...and I recently found the camcorder tapes of him. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch them yet. It still hurts too much. His pictures are still displayed in our home....and will be for a long time to come. I love all of you and hope everyone is well.

Headstone Placed

Here are a couple of pictures of our headstone which was set last Friday, March 13, 2009.... You can click on each picture to view a 4x6 image.....

A few of pictures....

2:58PM -- I placed roses in the basket on Larry's grave last Monday (my birthday). And I had recently placed the solar angel there as well.

As some of you know, we got 10 inches of snow overnight. Sigh......hate the stuff. Anyway, here are a few pictures of the snow. The first one was taken at 2AM Monday morning. The second picture at 7AM....and the third one around 1:30PM after I had shoveled the sidewalks, approximately half of both streets, plus pushed it off of the two cars.

I miss his poems....

2:00PM -- I know it's been almost a month since I last posted here. I've been dealing with stuff concerning Larry and it's been extremely hard for me, especially in the last 2-3 weeks. Today is my birthday and I always got a poem from him. I can't explain how deep the pain is at not getting one this year...today. I also missed the one I always got for Valentine's Day. As I said, it's been really difficult for me. I'm going to the cemetery shortly. I've put a beautiful solar angel on his grave and am taking roses there today.

I rented a car several weeks ago....stopped in Swansea for a couple of nights and spent them at my girlfriend's home. Visited with Alyce and Lyn one afternoon. Lyn brought me the necklace with Larry's thumbprint on the medallion. I paid her and thanked her for it. I then left there the next morning and drove as far as Tuscaloosa, AL and spent 3 days there more or less. Then, cut my trip short and returned home. Drove a straight 10 hours. Gave me lots of time to think.

I plan to make another trip to SC once the weather breaks. My girlfriend is urging me to go on a cruise with her at an unbelieveably low price. I'm thinking about it, but not sure yet. I've never done a cruise before, although Larry and I had talked about it. I was either working or there wasn't enough money....then, he was too sick to travel. Gawd, I miss him.

Went to the Moose with mom and sisters this past Saturday. Was totally surprised when they brought out a cake and the numbers "56" on it. I turned them around to say "65". It was a nice surprise...and my sisters made sure everybody in the hall knew it was my birthday. Even had the band announce it.

Will try to get back soon. I just mailed in the proof approval for our headstone last week. It should be in place over the next couple of months.

Still Here....

05:54PM -- Hello everyone. It's been awhile, but I'm still here. Needless to say, the holidays were very rough on me. Tomorrow (01/26/08) marks one year since Larry was rushed to the hospital for a heart attack. A stint was put in and no others could be done, although he needed them. I'm doing somewhat better, but far from great. I generally meet with my mom and sister on Saturdays and we all go to the dance together on Saturday nights. I always go by the cemetery on Saturdays and Sundays. And while on the way home end up in tears thinking back over the years we shared together. The pain is still sharp. I miss him so much. I hope each of you are all well. I think of the family every day and hope to get out to MO to visit everyone this spring or early summer for a few days. Larry would have so loved to have done that. I got the hard disk back on Saturday morning that crashed about a month ago. I hope to get everything transferred over to this hard drive in the next week or so. To have the pictures I had taken of him over the past two years again.

Take care and know that I have each of you in my heart and prayers.

Our Songs...

I know most will agree with me that I'm tormenting myself, but I can't seem to move past this. I don't want to move past the pain and heartache, because it keeps Larry here....with me. I'm afraid that if I stop hurting, I'll lose him completely. I know...I sound as if I should seek counseling, but I can't imagine anyone else understanding the profound despair that is part of me over his loss. I knew it was coming. He knew the day was coming. I thought I'd be able to handle this so much better than I am. Not having him here beside me - physically - is certainly my hell on earth.
I pulled out our CD...the one he made...of all the songs we deemed as "ours". They were our wedding day songs. I stared at his picture on my computer screen, touching his adoring image and was racked by sobs. But, I couldn't stop myself even though the thought drifted in and out of my head to end the torture by removing the CD. I ended up making myself physically sick again.
I still cry myself to sleep every night. I've heard his words in my head the past couple of nights...consoling me...telling me he's with me every minute of every day/night. Telling me I need to make a new life for myself. That he doesn't want me to live like I am. Reminding me that he'll be waiting for me there in heaven when it is my turn to make that journey. Telling me "but now is not your time".
I remember our first and only dance...a slow one...at the NYE party the Legion held in Toledo in 1999...our first NYE together. His wonderful singing voice when he sang karaoke that same night, Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman". Larry was so gifted. He excelled at everything he attempted during the years that we were together. His integrity, intelligence, and attitude - even in the darkest moments - were nothing short of phenomenal. His passions made him unique among others. He earned respect from everyone he met. How do you get past a person who has left such an indelible mark upon your soul? Upon your life? He walked into my life and brought so much happiness into it. A happiness...a completeness...that had always eluded me my entire life. I've been asked how you know when it's really the ultimate love that two people can share between them. The answer had escaped me too until I met Larry. The answer is quite simple although most assume it's complex. When you've met the one soul created especially for you....there are no questions. You don't ask yourself if they are the right one. You don't ask yourself if you're making a mistake or wonder if you should wait to make sure. You KNOW. Deep within the recesses of your heart and soul....they are there...waiting. Where they have always been your entire life. In my case....Larry was and still is my Alpha and Omega. He was the one soul that God had designed only for me. I know this as well as I know my own name. And I'm forever thankful that I was led to him that day in May 1999. Given half a chance.......I'd do it all over again...100-fold. No one could ever replace the whole of me that Larry so efficiently wrapped in his love. He raised the bar so imminently high in my mind...and that place is unattainable by any other. It's sacred hallowed ground meant only for him and I to share; preordained by God Himself. I was and still am so blessed.

What a horrible way....

to start out the new year! I'm just sick. My hard drive died sometime last Saturday night or early Sunday morning while I was at my sister's house. ALL of my pictures of Larry were on that hard drive. I tried for two days to retrieve everything on it and I couldn't. Even bought a data transfer and still couldn't do it. So, I took it to Best Buy's Geek Squad and they couldn't transfer anything from it either. So, they told me they could send it to another company they are partners with and they could do it. To the tune of $250 - $1500! The guy at Best Buy said that the other company can rebuild the hard drive using the memory from the old one and pull it all off and put on disks. I want those pictures and my manuscripts. The pictures more than anything. So, I did it. I told them it would be worth that kind of money just to get his pictures back!!! It'll take up to 2 weeks. They are suppose to call me. I've bought a new hard drive for my old computer and will give it to the boys to use...I bought a new one with a good battery backup surge protector by APC. I also invested in an external tape backup so I can back up everything on my computer in the future. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this other company can retrieve them, please.

In Loving Memory...

of the only man I've ever loved with everything I am or will be...I miss you tremendously, honey. I was going to buy our drink of the evening - Asti Spumanti - and pour our two fluted glasses and drink them in a toast to you and all the wonderful years you shared with me. To all the love and support you blessed me with, but it just wasn't the same without you here. I'll always love you. I'll always belong to you. And, one day, we'll be reunited. Although you aren't here beside me tonight...you are here with me....in our home...in my heart...and forever in my soul... Happy New Year, baby....