Our Songs...

I know most will agree with me that I'm tormenting myself, but I can't seem to move past this. I don't want to move past the pain and heartache, because it keeps Larry here....with me. I'm afraid that if I stop hurting, I'll lose him completely. I know...I sound as if I should seek counseling, but I can't imagine anyone else understanding the profound despair that is part of me over his loss. I knew it was coming. He knew the day was coming. I thought I'd be able to handle this so much better than I am. Not having him here beside me - physically - is certainly my hell on earth.
I pulled out our CD...the one he made...of all the songs we deemed as "ours". They were our wedding day songs. I stared at his picture on my computer screen, touching his adoring image and was racked by sobs. But, I couldn't stop myself even though the thought drifted in and out of my head to end the torture by removing the CD. I ended up making myself physically sick again.
I still cry myself to sleep every night. I've heard his words in my head the past couple of nights...consoling me...telling me he's with me every minute of every day/night. Telling me I need to make a new life for myself. That he doesn't want me to live like I am. Reminding me that he'll be waiting for me there in heaven when it is my turn to make that journey. Telling me "but now is not your time".
I remember our first and only dance...a slow one...at the NYE party the Legion held in Toledo in 1999...our first NYE together. His wonderful singing voice when he sang karaoke that same night, Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman". Larry was so gifted. He excelled at everything he attempted during the years that we were together. His integrity, intelligence, and attitude - even in the darkest moments - were nothing short of phenomenal. His passions made him unique among others. He earned respect from everyone he met. How do you get past a person who has left such an indelible mark upon your soul? Upon your life? He walked into my life and brought so much happiness into it. A happiness...a completeness...that had always eluded me my entire life. I've been asked how you know when it's really the ultimate love that two people can share between them. The answer had escaped me too until I met Larry. The answer is quite simple although most assume it's complex. When you've met the one soul created especially for you....there are no questions. You don't ask yourself if they are the right one. You don't ask yourself if you're making a mistake or wonder if you should wait to make sure. You KNOW. Deep within the recesses of your heart and soul....they are there...waiting. Where they have always been your entire life. In my case....Larry was and still is my Alpha and Omega. He was the one soul that God had designed only for me. I know this as well as I know my own name. And I'm forever thankful that I was led to him that day in May 1999. Given half a chance.......I'd do it all over again...100-fold. No one could ever replace the whole of me that Larry so efficiently wrapped in his love. He raised the bar so imminently high in my mind...and that place is unattainable by any other. It's sacred hallowed ground meant only for him and I to share; preordained by God Himself. I was and still am so blessed.