Still Here....

05:54PM -- Hello everyone. It's been awhile, but I'm still here. Needless to say, the holidays were very rough on me. Tomorrow (01/26/08) marks one year since Larry was rushed to the hospital for a heart attack. A stint was put in and no others could be done, although he needed them. I'm doing somewhat better, but far from great. I generally meet with my mom and sister on Saturdays and we all go to the dance together on Saturday nights. I always go by the cemetery on Saturdays and Sundays. And while on the way home end up in tears thinking back over the years we shared together. The pain is still sharp. I miss him so much. I hope each of you are all well. I think of the family every day and hope to get out to MO to visit everyone this spring or early summer for a few days. Larry would have so loved to have done that. I got the hard disk back on Saturday morning that crashed about a month ago. I hope to get everything transferred over to this hard drive in the next week or so. To have the pictures I had taken of him over the past two years again.

Take care and know that I have each of you in my heart and prayers.

Our Songs...

I know most will agree with me that I'm tormenting myself, but I can't seem to move past this. I don't want to move past the pain and heartache, because it keeps Larry here....with me. I'm afraid that if I stop hurting, I'll lose him completely. I know...I sound as if I should seek counseling, but I can't imagine anyone else understanding the profound despair that is part of me over his loss. I knew it was coming. He knew the day was coming. I thought I'd be able to handle this so much better than I am. Not having him here beside me - physically - is certainly my hell on earth.
I pulled out our CD...the one he made...of all the songs we deemed as "ours". They were our wedding day songs. I stared at his picture on my computer screen, touching his adoring image and was racked by sobs. But, I couldn't stop myself even though the thought drifted in and out of my head to end the torture by removing the CD. I ended up making myself physically sick again.
I still cry myself to sleep every night. I've heard his words in my head the past couple of nights...consoling me...telling me he's with me every minute of every day/night. Telling me I need to make a new life for myself. That he doesn't want me to live like I am. Reminding me that he'll be waiting for me there in heaven when it is my turn to make that journey. Telling me "but now is not your time".
I remember our first and only dance...a slow one...at the NYE party the Legion held in Toledo in 1999...our first NYE together. His wonderful singing voice when he sang karaoke that same night, Roy Orbison's "Pretty Woman". Larry was so gifted. He excelled at everything he attempted during the years that we were together. His integrity, intelligence, and attitude - even in the darkest moments - were nothing short of phenomenal. His passions made him unique among others. He earned respect from everyone he met. How do you get past a person who has left such an indelible mark upon your soul? Upon your life? He walked into my life and brought so much happiness into it. A happiness...a completeness...that had always eluded me my entire life. I've been asked how you know when it's really the ultimate love that two people can share between them. The answer had escaped me too until I met Larry. The answer is quite simple although most assume it's complex. When you've met the one soul created especially for you....there are no questions. You don't ask yourself if they are the right one. You don't ask yourself if you're making a mistake or wonder if you should wait to make sure. You KNOW. Deep within the recesses of your heart and soul....they are there...waiting. Where they have always been your entire life. In my case....Larry was and still is my Alpha and Omega. He was the one soul that God had designed only for me. I know this as well as I know my own name. And I'm forever thankful that I was led to him that day in May 1999. Given half a chance.......I'd do it all over again...100-fold. No one could ever replace the whole of me that Larry so efficiently wrapped in his love. He raised the bar so imminently high in my mind...and that place is unattainable by any other. It's sacred hallowed ground meant only for him and I to share; preordained by God Himself. I was and still am so blessed.

What a horrible way....

to start out the new year! I'm just sick. My hard drive died sometime last Saturday night or early Sunday morning while I was at my sister's house. ALL of my pictures of Larry were on that hard drive. I tried for two days to retrieve everything on it and I couldn't. Even bought a data transfer and still couldn't do it. So, I took it to Best Buy's Geek Squad and they couldn't transfer anything from it either. So, they told me they could send it to another company they are partners with and they could do it. To the tune of $250 - $1500! The guy at Best Buy said that the other company can rebuild the hard drive using the memory from the old one and pull it all off and put on disks. I want those pictures and my manuscripts. The pictures more than anything. So, I did it. I told them it would be worth that kind of money just to get his pictures back!!! It'll take up to 2 weeks. They are suppose to call me. I've bought a new hard drive for my old computer and will give it to the boys to use...I bought a new one with a good battery backup surge protector by APC. I also invested in an external tape backup so I can back up everything on my computer in the future. Keep your fingers crossed for me that this other company can retrieve them, please.

In Loving Memory...

of the only man I've ever loved with everything I am or will be...I miss you tremendously, honey. I was going to buy our drink of the evening - Asti Spumanti - and pour our two fluted glasses and drink them in a toast to you and all the wonderful years you shared with me. To all the love and support you blessed me with, but it just wasn't the same without you here. I'll always love you. I'll always belong to you. And, one day, we'll be reunited. Although you aren't here beside me tonight...you are here with me....in our home...in my heart...and forever in my soul... Happy New Year, baby....