The events of that morning...

NOVEMBER 1, 2008: 11:05AM -- It has taken me over a week to finally be able to finish this post. I cry until I make myself sick. I've had to see my doctor and he told me that if I don't get out of the house and start seeing friends and doing things I'm going to make myself a lot worse than I already have. I'm trying. A few of my friends -- because I was out of the loop for several weeks or whatever -- are pretty much removed from my circle. But, then there are those few friends that I thought wouldn't be there for me who have actually rallied and shown me what our friendships are truly made of - Trudy, Martha, and Cindy and Willie, have all been asking me to meet with them. I've gone a few times, but don't stay out long. I feel closer to him here at home. I still feel "antsy" when I'm gone -- like I need to hurry to get back home. I even caught myself this past Monday evening sitting here in front of the computer and thought...'I haven't heard him, I need to go in and check on him.' When I pushed away from the desk and started to get up, I realized what I'd done. I lost it. I've been going to bed very early (sometimes by 7:00pm); I get up between 2:00am and 7:00am. Last night I was up when the boys got home from work at 11:40pm and then I went to bed. I don't spend a lot of time on the computer anymore. I'm doing the one thing I never used to do and that's watch a lot of television. I tell people that Larry has influenced me so much. He raised the bar; setting my standards so high that I don't think there is another person out there that could ever achieve them.

OCTOBER 23, 2008: 09:00AM -- Yesterday marked one week since my wonderful husband passed away. It was hard. I laid on our bed during the space of his final 45 minutes, reliving the events in my mind's eye and crying to the point of making myself sick. I'll never forget Larry waking me at 3:00AM that morning with, "Honey."

My response, "What?"

And him saying, "It's time."

Still groggy with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, I asked, "Time for what, honey?"

He responded, "I'm going to die."

I rolled out of bed, turning on the small lamp next to him, and stood beside him. He told me, "I can't breathe."

I tried to get him to use his O2, but he refused, telling me to "Let me go." Mumbling over and over, "Just let me go." I assured him I would do whatever he wanted.

His breathing was very shallow, his skin cool, and I tried to get him to take the Morphine, but again he refused, telling me to "just let me go." I told him the Morphine would help open his airways, making breathing easier. I then called hospice and covered him with a thin thermal blanket.

He talked so lucidly most of the morning, although at one point he said he couldn't see me. That's when I turned on the overhead light. The nurse came in around 3:30AM and checked him. His heart rate was 66 beats/minute. She noticed, as I had, that his mouth was somewhat twisted and said he had most likely had a mini stroke. I told her he had a history of them. She told me he would most likely last until afternoon or early evening. Then, she left to go to another patient in Bedford.

I called Alice, his hospice nurse, later that morning, leaving a voicemail, and she came by, getting here around 10:00AM, I think. She had another patient in the final stages of life also. His sister Lyn had arrived back at our house around 8:45AM from SC. I stayed next to him either on the bed or sitting in a chair beside the bed.

He asked about Jim at dialysis - if he had been there the night before. I explained he hadn't that it had been almost two weeks since Jim's visit.

He asked about Lyn and if I had talked to her. I said 'yes' that I had called her and told her, and that she was already on her way here. He said he wished I hadn't said anything to her. Then we talked about my many trips alone from SC to VA when my dad was so sick. He repeated a few times, "father and daughter". Then he talked about Alyson, his daughter, for a couple of minutes.

I'd noticed he had broken out into a sweat

At approximately 10:20AM - with Alice and Lyn out of the room - Larry looked me directly in my eyes, holding our gaze for a few moments, and in a clear, intelligible voice told me "I love you so much." I hugged him tight, kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. Those were his last words to me.

Finish date -- NOVEMBER 1, 2008: Alice had finally gotten Larry to agree to take some Morphine. (20mg, which is a very low dose) With Alice and Lyn in the bedroom, I took a break and walked out on the front porch for a cigarette. Ten minutes. During this time, Alice joined me and keyed in information on her laptop while talking to me. She said he would probably last until that afternoon because his skin was warm and his heart rate was 66 and 81 beats per minute. She said that wasn't unusual at the end. Because their b/p cuffs never worked on him, she was unable to check his blood pressure, so I suggested checking his temperature/body temperature. She said she was going to do that when we went in. Needless to say, I went back in.

I stood at the foot of the bed and Alice placed the thermometer under his left arm. (He was laying on his right side.) Lyn was sitting on the bed next to him. His left arm suddenly shot straight up in the air, his head turning to face the ceiling and eyes wide open. He gasped as if in pain. Looked over towards Lyn and closed his eyes. Lyn moved up from the bed as I quickly moved and sat down next to him, placing my hand on his cheek...talking to him softly. Moments later the rattle began that indicates the end. Tears sprang in my eyes as I continued telling him how much I loved him. I remember Alice touching my arm that was around his waist and asking if I wanted them to leave the room and I said 'yes'. Then, I repeated what I knew he needed to hear..."It's okay, honey. Let go." "Go to that happy place." "I love you so much." "I'll be okay, just let go, honey." "No one will ever replace you in my life...You have been and will always be the center of my world." "God is there for you." "It's okay to let go, baby." Needless to say, my heart broke; but, I knew he needed to let go. It was time. Time to stop hurting and be whole...healthy...happy. And, he had already had a glimpse of what awaited him on the other side over a year ago. It took between 5 -10 minutes at the most, before he let go at 10:56am. I stayed with him, hugging him and kissing him. While it was the best thing for him, my world fell apart.

Alice checked for a heartbeat, but I didn't need the confirmation. I knew. Lyn came in and sat on his side of the bed. I had her give me several tissues and I wiped the saliva from the corner of his mouth and out of his beard. Alice and I changed him and cleaned him up; got him dressed before Mr. Page came to pick him up and take him to the funeral home. We had an hour with him which was fine by me. Linda (at the funeral home)called me once he had gotten there "safe and sound".

I will attempt to add more on the days following. In the meantime, you can visit the Daily Progress newspaper's website to see Larry's obit/picture and sign the guestbook by clicking here.

My World Shattered This Morning...

PORTER, LARRY MILTON
Larry Milton Porter of Lynchburg, VA died Thursday, October 16, 2008, at his home after a lengthy illness. Born in Lansing, MI., he is the son of Alyce Vera Slater of Swansea, SC and Lyle Dean Porter of New Port Richey, FL.

In addition to his parents, he is survived by his devoted and loving wife, Brenda (Brown) Porter; sons, Craig of GA; Robert (Stacy); Kevin (Tommilyn); and daughter, Alyson (Justin), all of MO; son, Christopher (Jennifer); daughter, Erin, all of OH; stepsons, David and Richard Davis of Lynchburg; and 10 grandchildren. Additional survivors include his sister, Lynell Williamson (Michael) of SC.

Mr. Porter served as a member of the U.S. Navy assigned to the USS Magoffin (APA-199) during the Vietnam War, receiving an Honorable Discharge in 1965.

He retired in 1998 as Medical Administrator of the Veteran's Outpatient Clinic in Toledo, Ohio after 18 years service.

Mr. Porter was a member of American Legion Post 553 in Toledo, Ohio for 19 years. Prior to leaving the area in 2000, Post 553 presented a Resolution recognizing him as Honorary Post Commander.

The family will receive family and friends at Thacker Brothers Funeral Home in Scottsville, VA from 7 to 8 p.m. Saturday, October 18, 2008. Services will be held on Sunday, October 19, 2008 at 2:00 p.m. in the Thacker Brothers Chapel with graveside services and interment at Scottsville Cemetery in Scottsville, VA.

Thacker Brothers Funeral Home, Scottsville, VA, is in charge of arrangements, (434) 286-2791.

Day 13...

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th:
07:13AM -- Yeah, I know...it's way too early for me to be out of bed. Well, try not to fall out of your chair, because I've been up for over an hour now. I know...I know....scary, eh?

It's now been 13 days since Larry last dialyzed. He's still doing okay, other than the confusion and disorientation has become more pronounced. He's sleeping at the moment, although he has awakened me a couple of times during the wee hours of the morning. He isn't eating other than a couple of bites of something each day. Larry drank very little yesterday, although he requested an Ensure in the morning and drank all of it. That was pretty much it for the day until around 5:00AM this morning. He has had about 5 sips of water. He looked at me and said "Thank you, my darling" after the last sip. I had to wake Richard up around 5:00AM to come upstairs and help slide Larry up to the top of the bed. I really don't know what I'd do if Richard wasn't here to help with him. I can roll him over and twist him onto his side; but, there's no way I can grab him and slide him up in the bed.

TUESDAY, OCT. 14th:
Lynell and Alyce left today going back home to SC. Richard had to leave early to take Chris (David) to work on time. Lyn says she is coming back tomorrow...not sure if Alyce will or not. If someone isn't here to take care of him, I don't leave the house even to run to the grocery store, which is just over a hill or two from us.

We got a sweet note from Aunt Corky in the mail today. I read it to him. It seemed to take him a few minutes to figure out who Aunt Corky was, but I think it finally sunk in.

Michelle -- hospice social worker -- stopped by yesterday for a short while. She noticed a reduction in his strength from her last visit. She offered help, but I don't feel like I need any. Or, as I explained to a friend who offers help...I don't even know "how" to ask for help...much less what kind of help. And it really doesn't bother me, because I've taken care of Larry for so long. Of course, I'm one of those who thinks that if someone really wants to help, they'd pretty much do it on their own without being asked. It's not pride, on my part; it's just a philosophy I've always lived by.

Larry's mom asked me one day last week if I had an antidepressant. I told her yes but I wasn't taking them. Geez...I wonder if that was a hint to take one? Oh well...LOL! I think I'm doing pretty good. I actually felt peaceful and calm last night with just the two of us here. I even washed about 5 loads of clothes today...and have them all put away! Washing comforters and linens also.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th:
I'll post more later. As it is right now, Larry is still waking up, although it takes him several minutes to focus.

He's doing okay...

UPDATE...04:47PM -- Alice, Larry's hospice nurse, just left a few moments ago. To summarize her visit, she seems to think he has a couple of more days. The apnea and twitching are more frequent now. He's been asleep most of the day but I attribute part of this to the fact that he was awake most of the night. He is having some difficulty swallowing, but still does okay...so far. His heart rate was good: 66 beats/minute and steady. He seems to have difficulty focusing. I'll try to post a bit more later.

11:01AM -- Larry is doing as well as can be expected. He's still alert at times and realizes he's "confused". He takes Dilaudid about every 3-4 hours now at 6ml per dose. He told me last night that he had something really important to tell me, and I let him talk. He choked up once while telling me..."If I should die...I want you to know how very much I love you." I think he was afraid to go to sleep last night. He'd close his eyes and then open them wide, either staring at me or the ceiling. He dosed off around midnight, and was awake around 2:30AM. He asked for an Ensure. I would dose off and wake up...I woke up once around 4:30AM and he was staring at the ceiling, the tv still on. I got up and told him he needed to get some sleep. He said okay. I turned off his tv, and helped him roll over in bed. I gave him some Dilaudid and he finally dropped off to sleep only to wake up around 8:20AM this morning.

He's got a lot of head congestion which is interfering with his hearing. The doctor prescribed a Z-pack and Claritin. He's taking those along with his 81mg aspirin and Metatopolol (both for his heart). These are the only pills he will take.

I made my chocolate, cherry, caramel trifle yesterday and told him about it. His response was "No shit?!" (He loved it the first time I made it.) He ate a couple of bites. He got a phone call from a former RN (Lauren...or as he called her "hot lips hoolihan") over at dialysis. She called him from KY and said she would be back in our area on Friday and would come see him. Lots of calls from his children and dad. He loves hearing from them. I got a lovely email from his first hospice nurse, Missy. She sent along a prayer shawl for him. I keep it on his bed or nearby.

His voice is weak and sometimes intelligible. Of course, I baby him a lot. Needless to say, he lets me know when I've gone to far with it. Most of the time telling me to "stop bugging" him or "stop pushing" him; or once in awhile, to "stop aggravating" him. He's never been one to mince words. *smile* A trait I've always loved about him.

More later as my mom, sisters Linda and Bonnie, and cousin, Faye are here. His mom and sister are staying here with me and have been since last Wednesday.

A Good Day...

Left: Larry with daughter, Alyson. (taken 2008)

06:40PM -- Larry has had a fairly good day. He's taken Dilaudid about 3 times so far, but has remained awake most of the day. He's having the usual memory problems, but doing okay. Last night, however, was at the other end of the spectrum. He hurt tremendously. He got upset with me because I needed to put his pain patches on. I got upset and tried to calm him down. After about 20 minutes everything settled down. He's eating next to nothing, and drinking very little. He wanted vegetable beef soup today; and after about 4 spoons, he fell asleep. When he woke up, he said all "that food" really knocked him out. I'm managing to get his eyedrops in about once a day now, instead of twice. He's not taking his regular meds. He told me last night that they "won't save him from..." and he couldn't finish the sentence. Or rather, he wouldn't finish the sentence. He always tells me when his children call that he or she "said they loved me". He tears up each and every time. I just gave him a dose of Dilaudid (5ml) to maintain his comfort. He's had a pretty good day as far as pain is concerned.

I'll post more later, if I have the time...

Visitors and Quiet Times...

09:16AM -- Good morning... Larry is still sleeping, hugging my pillow. He aked me to help him roll over and I had him grip my hand. His grip was quite strong!

Yesterday: Larry seemed confused, in pain, sleepy, not hungry, not thirsty, hungry, thirsty, and alert. I know...sounds contradictory, doesn't it? There was a multitude of human wants and don't wants yesterday. While he doesn't eat much of anything, he woke up yesterday morning at 8AM and I offered to fix him a scrambled egg. He was eager for it. He ate a little better than half. That was it for the entire day until late afternoon. He then took 2 tiny bites of KFC chicken which I had deboned, chopped, and shredded. He asked for coleslaw, and he took a small bite of that. He had trouble chewing and once in awhile held food and sips of water in his mouth. I have gone to the grocery store and bought baby foods, as later last night he ate apple sauce very well, and a good portion at the same time. I was pleased. However, I know that the lost of appetite (including fluid intake) and sleeping a lot are all signs of the stages we go through at the end of life. Its been unbelievably hard to watch him slipping away from me, but yesterday he told me "I just want the pain to stop". Larry has been strong through this; holding to his convictions; and showing to everyone who comes in contact with him what dignity is all about. Whenever he talks to his children, he cries after the call has ended now. Before it was during the calls. He loves them all so much...and is proud of the accomplishments of each and every one. His grandchildren brought joy into his life. They are such well behaved children...comments he has made after visits with them.

Alice (the hospice nurse) brought along the hospice doctor (Dr. Pat, I think) around mid-day yesterday. Larry's heart rate was 68 and his lungs are still clear. I explained to them at this time that Larry and I would be the only ones in our bedroom during the end. It's how he wanted it. It's how he will get it. I will want someone with hospice there for support.

My youngest sister, Bonnie, drove down after work to make a surprise visit, but got lost in town and ended up having to call me to get directions from the hospital - where she ended up - to our house. SURPRISE!!! LOL!

Michelle - the hospice social worker - stopped by as well. She told me that the nurses would love to have me come work with them. A nice compliment. She visited with Larry, Lynell, and Alyce for a while.

He got several calls yesterday. Rob, Kevin, his dad, and I inadvertently dialed Erin's number, but that was okay...he enjoyed talking to her...hearing their voices.

Sarah - Erin's daughter - sent him a picture she had drawn after her last visit and he has it on his desk. His favorite picture from that visit was the one where Sarah gave him a long, big hug around his waist. I printed it, and he has it sitting on his desk. I will be moving pictures of the grandchildren and children into our bedroom today so he can see each of you, and know he is surrounded by your love.

I remember a year or two ago, Larry coded at dialysis. Andrea, a tech, told me he was mad as hell at them when he "woke up" telling them he was having a beautiful dream, vivid colors, tranquil, calm, etc. and in no uncertain terms proceeded to give them hell for waking him up. He told them he didn't want to wake up. Andrea said they told him that "beautiful dream" was no dream, that he had coded. That memory gives me a great comfort during this time. Because I know he will return to that "beautiful dream" and no longer suffer the pains of cancer and diabetes. God knows, I'll never find what Larry and I share, again. This kind of love is a once-in-a-lifetime kind. The kind that goes so deep it wraps your soul into it and claims it forever.

I've got to check on him....more later.

A Quick Update

09:15PM -- Lyn and Alyce got here around 2:00PMish. Larry hasn't eaten anything today. He wanted the Tuscany Chicken again, but we've warmed it over twice now since I first gave it to him around 5ish. It's still untouched. I've already taken an Ensure in there, replacing his water so he will drink it. I spoke with Jim at dialysis a few minutes ago, and this is expected. I told him Larry is becoming confused but still has a little kick in him when I urge him to eat. Jim said he is probably pretty fuzzy right now with the toxin build up in his system as it will be 8 days tomorrow since his last dialysis treatment. He said that once he slips into the coma, which most likely will be this weekend - if not before - it usually takes up to 24 hours before he will quietly pass away. Of course, we have to be concerned about his heart at the same time due to the fact that 2 arteries remain 70% to 80% blocked. We are hoping this doesn't happen. The hospice nurse is bringing the hospice doctor with her tomorrow around mid-day. The nurse, Alice, was here today and flushed his dialysis port, showing me how to do it. I'll post here again soon.
11:03PM -- Larry didn't eat the Tuscany Chicken. However, he has a slice of New York style cheesecake which he had asked me to buy for him this evening. I moved his water and placed an Ensure in its place hoping he will drink it.

Bringing you up to date...

06:53PM -- Needless to say, the last couple of days have been difficult. Larry has accepted his fate, and is so dignified in light of what his happening to him. He has begun to hurt from the slightest touch almost anywhere on his body. He tried to sit on the edge of our bed yesterday a couple of times, but could only stay there about a minute. He's growing weaker every day. However, he did eat a Michelini's (sp) dish of Garlic Tuscany-Style Chicken Alfredo late last night, only leaving a couple of bites. Today, he has eaten half a bagel and is munching on celery and peanut butter. He hasn't experienced any nausea today, so far. Jim -- from dialysis -- stopped by last night and talked to us for a while. He told Larry that if he changed his mind and wanted to dialyze, all we had to do was call him and he'd have things set up for him. Larry told him last week was too much, and that at this point, dialysis was only prolonging the inevitable.

He has talked to all of his children. He said he hopes to talk to all of them at least once more. I spoke to Jim outside last night and asked him if my thoughts on what was about to happen. He validated them. He said that Larry - given his current condition - because his last dialysis was last Thursday, would most likely slip into a coma over the coming weekend or very early next week. Many of his techs at dialysis will be stopping by to see him in the next day or so. Lyn and Alyce (his mom) will arrive here Wednesday - probably around mid-day. My two boys have already talked to their supervisors, and between their PTO (paid time off), bereavement, vacation and about 7 days of unpaid time will be here with us/me until mid-November beginning this week.

I'll try to update the blog as often as possible - at least daily - from here on out. It's hard to sit here and write this, but I want all of you to be informed.

It's Time...

01:22PM -- I wanted everyone to know that Larry has - as of today - made the decision not to go back to dialysis. His hospice nurse, Alice, stopped by again today (she was here Friday afternoon and will be back tomorrow afternoon) and talked to him openly, answering his questions, so that he could make a final decision based on facts. Alice had talked to me Friday afternoon and told me that he may have 2 and at the most 4 weeks left. She stated that if he continues to dialyze, he would most likely have a heart attack during dialysis.

He dialyzed last Thursday. His dialysis cath will be flushed and made available to the hospice nurse and me in and effort to administer morphine and in the event of chest pain (heart failure) a chemical to ease the pain there.

Events leading up to this began last week.
• last Tuesday, he fell from the car (I caught him), bumping his head on the door. No marks, redness or anything, but the jolt aggravated the cancer and he suffered major pain. It took me and 3 dialysis techs/nurses to get him back into the car after dialysis to get him home. He was in horrendous pain. It took me almost 45 minutes and 5ml of dilaudid to get him out of the van and into his wheelchair to get him in the house. I then spent another hour+ trying to get him into bed from the wheelchair. He told me if the bus did not pick him up on Thursday, he was not going back...it wasn't worth the pain.
• I called on Wednesday and rushed the paperwork through and got him approved for the paratransit bus.
• Thursday the bus picked him up here at home and took him to dialysis. He was put into a larger chair and reclined during dialysis. When finished, they sat him up and he lost control of his bowels. He needed to be cleaned from waist to foot, removed all his soiled clothes and wore hospital scrubs home. The bus brought him home and I got him into bed.

He has not been out of bed since. He can only sit for 20-30 minutes at a time. His blood pressure and strength are dropping as well as his weight. Pressure sores, that will never heal per his hospice nurse, are extremely painful. We are doing all that we can to "cushion the areas" but any pressure affects them. His skin as become very brittle. His strength is acutely diminished and he's unable to sit up or roll over by himself now.

If you would like to speak to him, now is the time. His nephrologists have told us that within 1-2 weeks of stopping dialysis, he will slip into a coma. If his heart doesn't give out before then.

He requested a week ago to vote by absentee ballot. I got his and mine in the mail yesterday to complete (as a caregiver, I can do so too). I will have him complete his later this evening and mail them back tomorrow. At least he will do the one thing he so desperately wanted to do...vote.

I'm okay most of the time.