The events of that morning...

NOVEMBER 1, 2008: 11:05AM -- It has taken me over a week to finally be able to finish this post. I cry until I make myself sick. I've had to see my doctor and he told me that if I don't get out of the house and start seeing friends and doing things I'm going to make myself a lot worse than I already have. I'm trying. A few of my friends -- because I was out of the loop for several weeks or whatever -- are pretty much removed from my circle. But, then there are those few friends that I thought wouldn't be there for me who have actually rallied and shown me what our friendships are truly made of - Trudy, Martha, and Cindy and Willie, have all been asking me to meet with them. I've gone a few times, but don't stay out long. I feel closer to him here at home. I still feel "antsy" when I'm gone -- like I need to hurry to get back home. I even caught myself this past Monday evening sitting here in front of the computer and thought...'I haven't heard him, I need to go in and check on him.' When I pushed away from the desk and started to get up, I realized what I'd done. I lost it. I've been going to bed very early (sometimes by 7:00pm); I get up between 2:00am and 7:00am. Last night I was up when the boys got home from work at 11:40pm and then I went to bed. I don't spend a lot of time on the computer anymore. I'm doing the one thing I never used to do and that's watch a lot of television. I tell people that Larry has influenced me so much. He raised the bar; setting my standards so high that I don't think there is another person out there that could ever achieve them.

OCTOBER 23, 2008: 09:00AM -- Yesterday marked one week since my wonderful husband passed away. It was hard. I laid on our bed during the space of his final 45 minutes, reliving the events in my mind's eye and crying to the point of making myself sick. I'll never forget Larry waking me at 3:00AM that morning with, "Honey."

My response, "What?"

And him saying, "It's time."

Still groggy with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, I asked, "Time for what, honey?"

He responded, "I'm going to die."

I rolled out of bed, turning on the small lamp next to him, and stood beside him. He told me, "I can't breathe."

I tried to get him to use his O2, but he refused, telling me to "Let me go." Mumbling over and over, "Just let me go." I assured him I would do whatever he wanted.

His breathing was very shallow, his skin cool, and I tried to get him to take the Morphine, but again he refused, telling me to "just let me go." I told him the Morphine would help open his airways, making breathing easier. I then called hospice and covered him with a thin thermal blanket.

He talked so lucidly most of the morning, although at one point he said he couldn't see me. That's when I turned on the overhead light. The nurse came in around 3:30AM and checked him. His heart rate was 66 beats/minute. She noticed, as I had, that his mouth was somewhat twisted and said he had most likely had a mini stroke. I told her he had a history of them. She told me he would most likely last until afternoon or early evening. Then, she left to go to another patient in Bedford.

I called Alice, his hospice nurse, later that morning, leaving a voicemail, and she came by, getting here around 10:00AM, I think. She had another patient in the final stages of life also. His sister Lyn had arrived back at our house around 8:45AM from SC. I stayed next to him either on the bed or sitting in a chair beside the bed.

He asked about Jim at dialysis - if he had been there the night before. I explained he hadn't that it had been almost two weeks since Jim's visit.

He asked about Lyn and if I had talked to her. I said 'yes' that I had called her and told her, and that she was already on her way here. He said he wished I hadn't said anything to her. Then we talked about my many trips alone from SC to VA when my dad was so sick. He repeated a few times, "father and daughter". Then he talked about Alyson, his daughter, for a couple of minutes.

I'd noticed he had broken out into a sweat

At approximately 10:20AM - with Alice and Lyn out of the room - Larry looked me directly in my eyes, holding our gaze for a few moments, and in a clear, intelligible voice told me "I love you so much." I hugged him tight, kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. Those were his last words to me.

Finish date -- NOVEMBER 1, 2008: Alice had finally gotten Larry to agree to take some Morphine. (20mg, which is a very low dose) With Alice and Lyn in the bedroom, I took a break and walked out on the front porch for a cigarette. Ten minutes. During this time, Alice joined me and keyed in information on her laptop while talking to me. She said he would probably last until that afternoon because his skin was warm and his heart rate was 66 and 81 beats per minute. She said that wasn't unusual at the end. Because their b/p cuffs never worked on him, she was unable to check his blood pressure, so I suggested checking his temperature/body temperature. She said she was going to do that when we went in. Needless to say, I went back in.

I stood at the foot of the bed and Alice placed the thermometer under his left arm. (He was laying on his right side.) Lyn was sitting on the bed next to him. His left arm suddenly shot straight up in the air, his head turning to face the ceiling and eyes wide open. He gasped as if in pain. Looked over towards Lyn and closed his eyes. Lyn moved up from the bed as I quickly moved and sat down next to him, placing my hand on his cheek...talking to him softly. Moments later the rattle began that indicates the end. Tears sprang in my eyes as I continued telling him how much I loved him. I remember Alice touching my arm that was around his waist and asking if I wanted them to leave the room and I said 'yes'. Then, I repeated what I knew he needed to hear..."It's okay, honey. Let go." "Go to that happy place." "I love you so much." "I'll be okay, just let go, honey." "No one will ever replace you in my life...You have been and will always be the center of my world." "God is there for you." "It's okay to let go, baby." Needless to say, my heart broke; but, I knew he needed to let go. It was time. Time to stop hurting and be whole...healthy...happy. And, he had already had a glimpse of what awaited him on the other side over a year ago. It took between 5 -10 minutes at the most, before he let go at 10:56am. I stayed with him, hugging him and kissing him. While it was the best thing for him, my world fell apart.

Alice checked for a heartbeat, but I didn't need the confirmation. I knew. Lyn came in and sat on his side of the bed. I had her give me several tissues and I wiped the saliva from the corner of his mouth and out of his beard. Alice and I changed him and cleaned him up; got him dressed before Mr. Page came to pick him up and take him to the funeral home. We had an hour with him which was fine by me. Linda (at the funeral home)called me once he had gotten there "safe and sound".

I will attempt to add more on the days following. In the meantime, you can visit the Daily Progress newspaper's website to see Larry's obit/picture and sign the guestbook by clicking here.