I'm Managing...

03:32PM -- I'm doing better. Not great by any means, but better. I wear his shirts and still spray his Drakkar on his pillows at night. An 8x10 faces me from the table next to his side of the bed, which is where I sleep. I talk to him and pray he'll answer me...whether in a dream; or a vision. I cry. I smile. Then, I cry some more. I told him many years ago that if he died before me he may as well take me with him. He told me if I died before him, he'd totally give up everything -- dialysis, meds, etc. -- because he wouldn't want a life without me, either. Our relationship...our love...was so profound and I thank God for every day I was blessed to have him in my life. I've always said that people go through the bad stuff in life, so that when the good stuff happens you truly appreciate and cherish it even more. God knows, he was my "good stuff". It just doesn't get any better than what we shared between us. I have about 9 pictures of him (of all ages) sitting across the top of our entertainment center in the living room. I wear one of his rings. I still wear his "special" necklace that he gave me. I gave him my wedding ring, slipping it on his little finger days before he passed away. I told him I wanted him to have it...to take something of me with him. Yes, I miss it, but the necklace means just as much to me, if not more. Plus, the necklace had been his.

I'm managing to do a little each day now as far as packing a few things, but only the small stuff. I'm keeping things I know I should throw out. Like the last straw he sipped water from that morning. Tissues that I wiped his mouth with at the end. Sounds morbid, I know. But, God, I just can't let him totally disappear. He was and still is the center of my world. I told my mom the other day, I don't believe there is another man walking this earth that will ever measure up to Larry in my eyes. Once-in-a-lifetime.