Eight Weeks Today...

(Larry -- my once-in-a-lifetime love)

11:34AM -- I sat in front of my computer this morning for almost half an hour, staring at a close-up photo (the one here) of Larry taken back in July just before his 61st birthday. Chris, Jennifer, Erin, and Sarah were visiting then. The sparkle in his eyes and the easy smile just tear at my heart and soul. I miss him desperately, and still find it hard to believe he is really gone. He'll never come back through our front door. Yes, I cried until I made myself sick...yet again. I have two anti-depressants, but I don't take them. I don't want to take them. People ask why, and my answer may not make sense to anyone else, but I tell them "I WANT to FEEL this". I stay home a lot. I prefer staying here at home. I wouldn't go out if it wasn't for a couple of my friends and my mom who seem determined not to let me totally isolate myself from the rest of the world. Although occasionally I do make an effort to catch up with a friend now and then. Friends I thought would take the lead and be here for me have pretty much left me to handle this alone. Or at least let someone else do it. Overall, I'm sure the way I'm dealing with it is not healthy, but I just can't let go of the only man that made me whole. Who taught me so much about myself and what it means to love someone so much that you'd crawl through fire and broken glass for them, or face demons (real or imaginary) without hesitation as to your own welfare. I've been selfish, no doubt, over the years. I didn't want others to step in and do things for him. I wanted to do them. If I had been doing something for him and he did it without asking me to do it, I'd feel hurt/upset. Even Hospice couldn't understand why I never solicited their services of having someone come in and stay with him the last 3 or so weeks so I could go out for "a break". Larry and I had a unique relationship. An emotional connection/commitment that few could even begin to comprehend. From the very beginning, when we met online and talked for hours on end (computer and phone), he was always foremost in my thoughts. Whatever pleased him, pleased me. God knows, the closer the end got, and my tension began to soar, I could go from zero to b***h in under a nano-second. Larry...my mom...friends...family....no one was the exception. When I fired off at Larry, I always went back and apologized. And he always understood. He knew what I was going through and the turmoil that was literally eating me alive. I'm not as quick to sound off on someone now...but, I'm not back to "me" yet either. In time, I'm sure I'll "settle down" and the former "me" will emerge once again. Just not now.

It's white here!

07:41PM -- It's been really cold here. The last time I looked the highest the temp got was 30º. Then, this afternoon around 4:00 it started snowing. Small flakes. The ground is white, but there isn't a lot of the white stuff on it. However, just enough to make Virginians antsy. After living in upstate NY, this doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I know most Virginians don't know how to drive in it! Richard got off from work at 6:00pm tonight, and he said there were 5 wrecks on the way home. 'Nuff said.
Anyway, I went to my sister's house (Bonnie) yesterday and met her, her husband, and my mom there. Then, we all went to a private Christmas party at the Charlottesville Moose we had all been invited to a couple of weeks ago. My other sister, Linda, and her husband met us there. It was nice...and lots of food...good music. We left a little after 11:00pm and came back to Bonnie's for the night. I left there this morning and got home around 10:30ish. Before I got to Bonnie's house, I stopped by the cemetery and placed a basket of red and white poinsettia and a Christmas tree on Larry's grave. I brought the basket of fall flowers home that were there. I've included a picture here. Got a Christmas card from Chris and Jennifer (1st one of the year) and another today from Kristy. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts, Kristy. I started not to put up our big Christmas tree here at home, but Larry would have expected it. I didn't deck it out like I generally do each year, but at least it's up....for him. I'll post a picture here shortly. I'll type more later...take care everyone!

Hello Everyone...

07:53PM -- I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. My boys and I spent a few hours with my mom and some of the family, then we came home and that's where we stayed the rest of the day.

On Friday, I drove to Charlottesville and ordered mine and Larry's headstone. They will send me a proof before doing the actual engraving to make sure everything is correct, especially our online nicks, which Larry wanted included after I asked him about having them added. He thought it was an "excellent idea". He called me "mickieb" most of the time throughout our 9+ years together.

Under normal circumstances, I would have put up our 7½ foot Christmas tree today. As I'm sure many of you know, this is a difficult time for me. Most of my friends are busy with their own lives right now...especially with family. For me...my heart just isn't in it this year. I'm thinking of buying a small pre-lit, 4 foot tree and adding some of mine and Larry's favorite decorations from over the years. I've also purchased two ornaments. One has a verse that states if I could build a staircase to heaven, I'd bring him back home, and the other is a gold wreath frame with a USA flag bow that I will put his picture in. Chris and Richard are having a hard time with it this year also. I'll put up a tree -- in honor of Larry -- but I don't think I can handle putting up our tree this year.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

08:22AM -- I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. The boys and I are going to my mom's on Thanksgiving day. Most of our family will be there and it will be the first one I've spent away from home in years. I am going to go Friday and order our headstone. It'll take several months before it's actually put in place. I've got the paperwork ready to go in the mail for his military marker also. I've tossed it over so many times on which to order. The bronze, granite or marble one. The bronze one - which would match his casket - doesn't hold up as well under the elements. The granite one seems to last the longest, but the marble one is nice, too. I need to contact the cemetery association and find out what needs to be done (how to handle) installation.

I dropped off over a case of Larry's Ensure at the dialysis unit yesterday afternoon and visited with his nurses, techs and dietician. Needless to say we all ended up in tears. They told me how much they miss both of us over there, and how much respect Larry had earned from everyone in dialysis. They said he had so much dignity and character -- teaching all of them something. I didn't realize until I turned onto Clifton Street and met another lady and her mother (who's on dialysis) leaving what time it was. We waved at one another and I glanced at the clock...I would have been picking Larry up at that time. Of course, that set the stage for my emotions on top of walking back into the building. But I did want to visit with those who had taken care of him for the past 4½ years.

Anyway...I just want to wish all of you a very Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!!!

One day at a time...

08:48AM -- I still haven't finished moving everything around in the house yet. However, the living room is presentable/liveable. I put Larry's tv in the living room, and the small one will go in my bedroom as soon as I can manage to arrange everything the way I want it. I can only change things a little at a time before I become upset. It's hard living without him. *Had to stop writing for a while. Richard walked in and caught me crying. I don't like to cry in front of the boys, because they get upset.* Anyway...Because I now have too much free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. I've been cooking dinner late at night so the boys have at least one homecooked meal (when they come in from work). I don't do it every night, but on average of 3 or 4 times a week. A lot depends on how I'm feeling. I've been sick the last week with sinuses. Then I was on Keflex (2000 mg's/day) to take care of the infection in my leg from where the elastic in a pair of Larry's sweatpants cut off the circulation and caused cellulitis on top of the infection. He sent me for an ultrasound to make sure there were no blood clots -- which there weren't any...thank God!

In the picture...(Left: Linda Center: Bonnie Right: Mom)
My mom and sisters try to get me out of the house on Saturday nights. I've stayed with Bonnie and mom at Bonnie's home because we all go to the Moose in Charlottesville. I always have a good time watching my mom. She dances more than any of us! The incentive for me here is that Bonnie lives just a short drive (on the way home) from the cemetery, so mom and I always stop by there on Sunday mornings when we leave Bonnie's to go home.

A few friends here in Lynchburg try to get me out of the house once or twice during the week. I'm usually out with them for a couple of hours before I come home. Sometimes, I make a loop around town just to make things more like they use to be. The only problem with that is Larry isn't waiting for me to come in the door and ask me what I'm doing home so early. I always -- always -- kissed him whenever I left the house, and we always told one another "I love you". Plus, he'd add for me to be careful and I'd tell him to call me if he needed me for anything. The small stuff...that's what I miss so much. The every day, run of the mill, routine stuff. God, I miss him... I keep a basket of Fall flowers with a cross, a USA flag, and an angel on his grave. I'll change the flowers to something Christmas-y after Thanksgiving.

I'll type more later...keep in touch!!!

One Month...

12:33AM -- Sunday marked one month since I lost the only man that ranked right up there with my two sons in love. I didn't even love their dad as much as I loved the boys. I know...sad, but true. However, Larry shared that spot...that devotion and love. I went to my sister's house again this past Saturday. We met up with my mom and other sister at the Charlottesville Moose. (They really are trying to keep me from isolating myself.) Mom and I always ride by the cemetery on Sunday mornings on our way back to our homes in opposite directions. I did okay, but about half way home, I lost it. Too much time to think while driving, I suppose. A friend called and wanted me to come over to her house and spend some time watching a game with other friends she had invited over. I didn't go. I ended up sleeping most of the day and was in bed for the night by 7:00pm.

The boys have now moved upstairs, and I have turned our computer room into my bedroom. The computers are still in there, but I now have a single bed. The house is still out of order because I get distracted and end up crying. I generally just go to bed. It's hard to change things, when all I really want to do is turn the clock back by at least 6 years. I know I can't. I know I'll never see him come home through the front door again, but God, I wish I could just once more.

I've got packets to mail out to all the kids, Lyle, Alyce, and Lyn...I just need to get to the post office. It's late, so I guess I'll close here. I hope all of you are doing well. Please keep in touch. Love, hugs, and kisses to everyone!

I'm Managing...

03:32PM -- I'm doing better. Not great by any means, but better. I wear his shirts and still spray his Drakkar on his pillows at night. An 8x10 faces me from the table next to his side of the bed, which is where I sleep. I talk to him and pray he'll answer me...whether in a dream; or a vision. I cry. I smile. Then, I cry some more. I told him many years ago that if he died before me he may as well take me with him. He told me if I died before him, he'd totally give up everything -- dialysis, meds, etc. -- because he wouldn't want a life without me, either. Our relationship...our love...was so profound and I thank God for every day I was blessed to have him in my life. I've always said that people go through the bad stuff in life, so that when the good stuff happens you truly appreciate and cherish it even more. God knows, he was my "good stuff". It just doesn't get any better than what we shared between us. I have about 9 pictures of him (of all ages) sitting across the top of our entertainment center in the living room. I wear one of his rings. I still wear his "special" necklace that he gave me. I gave him my wedding ring, slipping it on his little finger days before he passed away. I told him I wanted him to have it...to take something of me with him. Yes, I miss it, but the necklace means just as much to me, if not more. Plus, the necklace had been his.

I'm managing to do a little each day now as far as packing a few things, but only the small stuff. I'm keeping things I know I should throw out. Like the last straw he sipped water from that morning. Tissues that I wiped his mouth with at the end. Sounds morbid, I know. But, God, I just can't let him totally disappear. He was and still is the center of my world. I told my mom the other day, I don't believe there is another man walking this earth that will ever measure up to Larry in my eyes. Once-in-a-lifetime.