Visitors and Quiet Times...

09:16AM -- Good morning... Larry is still sleeping, hugging my pillow. He aked me to help him roll over and I had him grip my hand. His grip was quite strong!

Yesterday: Larry seemed confused, in pain, sleepy, not hungry, not thirsty, hungry, thirsty, and alert. I know...sounds contradictory, doesn't it? There was a multitude of human wants and don't wants yesterday. While he doesn't eat much of anything, he woke up yesterday morning at 8AM and I offered to fix him a scrambled egg. He was eager for it. He ate a little better than half. That was it for the entire day until late afternoon. He then took 2 tiny bites of KFC chicken which I had deboned, chopped, and shredded. He asked for coleslaw, and he took a small bite of that. He had trouble chewing and once in awhile held food and sips of water in his mouth. I have gone to the grocery store and bought baby foods, as later last night he ate apple sauce very well, and a good portion at the same time. I was pleased. However, I know that the lost of appetite (including fluid intake) and sleeping a lot are all signs of the stages we go through at the end of life. Its been unbelievably hard to watch him slipping away from me, but yesterday he told me "I just want the pain to stop". Larry has been strong through this; holding to his convictions; and showing to everyone who comes in contact with him what dignity is all about. Whenever he talks to his children, he cries after the call has ended now. Before it was during the calls. He loves them all so much...and is proud of the accomplishments of each and every one. His grandchildren brought joy into his life. They are such well behaved children...comments he has made after visits with them.

Alice (the hospice nurse) brought along the hospice doctor (Dr. Pat, I think) around mid-day yesterday. Larry's heart rate was 68 and his lungs are still clear. I explained to them at this time that Larry and I would be the only ones in our bedroom during the end. It's how he wanted it. It's how he will get it. I will want someone with hospice there for support.

My youngest sister, Bonnie, drove down after work to make a surprise visit, but got lost in town and ended up having to call me to get directions from the hospital - where she ended up - to our house. SURPRISE!!! LOL!

Michelle - the hospice social worker - stopped by as well. She told me that the nurses would love to have me come work with them. A nice compliment. She visited with Larry, Lynell, and Alyce for a while.

He got several calls yesterday. Rob, Kevin, his dad, and I inadvertently dialed Erin's number, but that was okay...he enjoyed talking to her...hearing their voices.

Sarah - Erin's daughter - sent him a picture she had drawn after her last visit and he has it on his desk. His favorite picture from that visit was the one where Sarah gave him a long, big hug around his waist. I printed it, and he has it sitting on his desk. I will be moving pictures of the grandchildren and children into our bedroom today so he can see each of you, and know he is surrounded by your love.

I remember a year or two ago, Larry coded at dialysis. Andrea, a tech, told me he was mad as hell at them when he "woke up" telling them he was having a beautiful dream, vivid colors, tranquil, calm, etc. and in no uncertain terms proceeded to give them hell for waking him up. He told them he didn't want to wake up. Andrea said they told him that "beautiful dream" was no dream, that he had coded. That memory gives me a great comfort during this time. Because I know he will return to that "beautiful dream" and no longer suffer the pains of cancer and diabetes. God knows, I'll never find what Larry and I share, again. This kind of love is a once-in-a-lifetime kind. The kind that goes so deep it wraps your soul into it and claims it forever.

I've got to check on him....more later.