The end of the year is here...

6:22PM -- and I just want to wish everyone a very happy, safe and healthy New Year. God bless all of you.

Happy New Year Graphics provided by MUDTRAP.COM

Nothing wrapped yet...

(Larry with his ham rollups.)

11:06AM -- As I'm sure you know, Christmas just isn't the same this year. I haven't bothered to decorate outside like I normally do. I haven't put out my usual decorations inside either. I rarely plug in the lights on the tree that Larry bought for us on our first Christmas 9 years ago. The 2 ornaments I bought are hanging on the tree, but that's not decked out like I usually trim it. I can't even get Christmas cards out this year. So, if I miss you, please don't feel as though I slighted you. I'm just having a hard time. Know that in my heart I'm sending you Christmas wishes.

A girl friend called and asked me to go out with her last night. I didn't even know the band I work with was playing, and I haven't seen them in over 3 months. It was good to see them again. They all hugged me and said everyone was asking if the other had heard anything from me. They had missed me and were happy to see me out again. We are like family...brothers and sister. The band plays all the great music of the 60s and 70s from classic rock, disco, funk, soul and some country. I had a good time with Martha, the band and another friend, Molly.

Then I had to come home. When I go to bed, I always tell Larry goodnight and that I love him. I can hear his "Goodnight, babe. I love you too" in my head. And I always end up crying myself to sleep...the norm for me lately. I usually spray his Drakkar on my pillows and hug them.

My mom is after me to come up to my sister's again today to go to the Moose in Charlottesville with all of them tonight. I actually have plans to meet friends at Cattle Annie's here in town, but I'm leaning towards going to my sister's. If I go, I won't be home until sometime Sunday, about mid-day. And mom and I will go by the cemetery on our way home. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Both of the boys have to work today (different hours), so I'll have to take Chris (David) to work. Richard will pick him up. Then, Chris has to work 6 hours on Sunday. Richard is off.

As promised, here's a picture of our Christmas tree. The gold ornament about center of the tree is the one that holds a picture of Larry and me taken this past summer when Alyson, Justin and the children were here. The one with the verse on it is near the top of the tree but is hard to pick out. Just in case I fail to make it back before Christmas, we wish each of you a Merry Christmas.

Made it through...

10:00AM -- I made a new arrangement for Larry's grave on Saturday. Below is the picture. You can click on the pic and it will open to full size. I added the wooden angel too. I talked to Toledo friends - Neva and Bob - this past Saturday. Or was it Friday? Anyway, it was a nice conversation. Got a Christmas card from Rob, Stacy and the grandbabies. Thank you for the picture and note.

Not much news to report here. Unleaded Regular gas is down to $1.47 a gallon as of yesterday. Every time it drops, I think of Larry's reaction. Neither of us thought we'd see gas under $3.00/gallon again just back in July or August. Gawd, I miss our discussions. The ones where we would start on one topic and ease into another and another. Discussions that would last two and three hours at a time. We had that communication thingie going on from day one. I loved it. Sometimes he'd tell me about his dreams during the night - if he remembered them. He talked in detail last Spring about the hallucinations he was experiencing while in the hospital and nursing facility. We talked about us...about our pasts...about his concerns for me once he was gone. We talked politics...religion...books...movies....songs....food....our life....how we met online....what happened online....wars....tv shows....his health....my vision....my hearing....economics/economy...his job at the VA....everything...we talked about everything practically every day for the past 9+ years.

I just remembered...

01:47AM -- On Wednesday, I had to make a trip to Charlottesville (an hour away), so I took the scenic route home through Scottsville and went by the cemetery. I put the USA flag on Larry's grave, replacing the one the wind took off a couple of weeks ago. I've got plenty here at home that I use to line the yard with on holidays down along Buttonwood. I'll be so glad once our headstone is in place, but I don't expect that until some time in February or March -- if I'm lucky. Larry's marker is hidden by the flag.

As you can see, I'm up late again. I've been working on getting all the packets ready to mail to all of Larry's kids, Lyn and his parents. I want to include Christmas cards in them, so I don't have to make another trip to the post office. Bad enough having to go even once this time of the year. Need to go to bed, so more later today!

Just a note: If you click on any of the pictures on this website, they will show up as the full size picture. So, the one of Larry below (in my previous post) would be much larger. And if you wanted to save it to your computer, just right click your mouse button and save it.

Eight Weeks Today...

(Larry -- my once-in-a-lifetime love)

11:34AM -- I sat in front of my computer this morning for almost half an hour, staring at a close-up photo (the one here) of Larry taken back in July just before his 61st birthday. Chris, Jennifer, Erin, and Sarah were visiting then. The sparkle in his eyes and the easy smile just tear at my heart and soul. I miss him desperately, and still find it hard to believe he is really gone. He'll never come back through our front door. Yes, I cried until I made myself sick...yet again. I have two anti-depressants, but I don't take them. I don't want to take them. People ask why, and my answer may not make sense to anyone else, but I tell them "I WANT to FEEL this". I stay home a lot. I prefer staying here at home. I wouldn't go out if it wasn't for a couple of my friends and my mom who seem determined not to let me totally isolate myself from the rest of the world. Although occasionally I do make an effort to catch up with a friend now and then. Friends I thought would take the lead and be here for me have pretty much left me to handle this alone. Or at least let someone else do it. Overall, I'm sure the way I'm dealing with it is not healthy, but I just can't let go of the only man that made me whole. Who taught me so much about myself and what it means to love someone so much that you'd crawl through fire and broken glass for them, or face demons (real or imaginary) without hesitation as to your own welfare. I've been selfish, no doubt, over the years. I didn't want others to step in and do things for him. I wanted to do them. If I had been doing something for him and he did it without asking me to do it, I'd feel hurt/upset. Even Hospice couldn't understand why I never solicited their services of having someone come in and stay with him the last 3 or so weeks so I could go out for "a break". Larry and I had a unique relationship. An emotional connection/commitment that few could even begin to comprehend. From the very beginning, when we met online and talked for hours on end (computer and phone), he was always foremost in my thoughts. Whatever pleased him, pleased me. God knows, the closer the end got, and my tension began to soar, I could go from zero to b***h in under a nano-second. Larry...my mom...friends...family....no one was the exception. When I fired off at Larry, I always went back and apologized. And he always understood. He knew what I was going through and the turmoil that was literally eating me alive. I'm not as quick to sound off on someone now...but, I'm not back to "me" yet either. In time, I'm sure I'll "settle down" and the former "me" will emerge once again. Just not now.

It's white here!

07:41PM -- It's been really cold here. The last time I looked the highest the temp got was 30º. Then, this afternoon around 4:00 it started snowing. Small flakes. The ground is white, but there isn't a lot of the white stuff on it. However, just enough to make Virginians antsy. After living in upstate NY, this doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I know most Virginians don't know how to drive in it! Richard got off from work at 6:00pm tonight, and he said there were 5 wrecks on the way home. 'Nuff said.
Anyway, I went to my sister's house (Bonnie) yesterday and met her, her husband, and my mom there. Then, we all went to a private Christmas party at the Charlottesville Moose we had all been invited to a couple of weeks ago. My other sister, Linda, and her husband met us there. It was nice...and lots of food...good music. We left a little after 11:00pm and came back to Bonnie's for the night. I left there this morning and got home around 10:30ish. Before I got to Bonnie's house, I stopped by the cemetery and placed a basket of red and white poinsettia and a Christmas tree on Larry's grave. I brought the basket of fall flowers home that were there. I've included a picture here. Got a Christmas card from Chris and Jennifer (1st one of the year) and another today from Kristy. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts, Kristy. I started not to put up our big Christmas tree here at home, but Larry would have expected it. I didn't deck it out like I generally do each year, but at least it's up....for him. I'll post a picture here shortly. I'll type more later...take care everyone!

Hello Everyone...

07:53PM -- I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. My boys and I spent a few hours with my mom and some of the family, then we came home and that's where we stayed the rest of the day.

On Friday, I drove to Charlottesville and ordered mine and Larry's headstone. They will send me a proof before doing the actual engraving to make sure everything is correct, especially our online nicks, which Larry wanted included after I asked him about having them added. He thought it was an "excellent idea". He called me "mickieb" most of the time throughout our 9+ years together.

Under normal circumstances, I would have put up our 7½ foot Christmas tree today. As I'm sure many of you know, this is a difficult time for me. Most of my friends are busy with their own lives right now...especially with family. For me...my heart just isn't in it this year. I'm thinking of buying a small pre-lit, 4 foot tree and adding some of mine and Larry's favorite decorations from over the years. I've also purchased two ornaments. One has a verse that states if I could build a staircase to heaven, I'd bring him back home, and the other is a gold wreath frame with a USA flag bow that I will put his picture in. Chris and Richard are having a hard time with it this year also. I'll put up a tree -- in honor of Larry -- but I don't think I can handle putting up our tree this year.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

08:22AM -- I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving. The boys and I are going to my mom's on Thanksgiving day. Most of our family will be there and it will be the first one I've spent away from home in years. I am going to go Friday and order our headstone. It'll take several months before it's actually put in place. I've got the paperwork ready to go in the mail for his military marker also. I've tossed it over so many times on which to order. The bronze, granite or marble one. The bronze one - which would match his casket - doesn't hold up as well under the elements. The granite one seems to last the longest, but the marble one is nice, too. I need to contact the cemetery association and find out what needs to be done (how to handle) installation.

I dropped off over a case of Larry's Ensure at the dialysis unit yesterday afternoon and visited with his nurses, techs and dietician. Needless to say we all ended up in tears. They told me how much they miss both of us over there, and how much respect Larry had earned from everyone in dialysis. They said he had so much dignity and character -- teaching all of them something. I didn't realize until I turned onto Clifton Street and met another lady and her mother (who's on dialysis) leaving what time it was. We waved at one another and I glanced at the clock...I would have been picking Larry up at that time. Of course, that set the stage for my emotions on top of walking back into the building. But I did want to visit with those who had taken care of him for the past 4½ years.

Anyway...I just want to wish all of you a very Happy and Safe Thanksgiving!!!

One day at a time...

08:48AM -- I still haven't finished moving everything around in the house yet. However, the living room is presentable/liveable. I put Larry's tv in the living room, and the small one will go in my bedroom as soon as I can manage to arrange everything the way I want it. I can only change things a little at a time before I become upset. It's hard living without him. *Had to stop writing for a while. Richard walked in and caught me crying. I don't like to cry in front of the boys, because they get upset.* Anyway...Because I now have too much free time on my hands, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. I've been cooking dinner late at night so the boys have at least one homecooked meal (when they come in from work). I don't do it every night, but on average of 3 or 4 times a week. A lot depends on how I'm feeling. I've been sick the last week with sinuses. Then I was on Keflex (2000 mg's/day) to take care of the infection in my leg from where the elastic in a pair of Larry's sweatpants cut off the circulation and caused cellulitis on top of the infection. He sent me for an ultrasound to make sure there were no blood clots -- which there weren't any...thank God!

In the picture...(Left: Linda Center: Bonnie Right: Mom)
My mom and sisters try to get me out of the house on Saturday nights. I've stayed with Bonnie and mom at Bonnie's home because we all go to the Moose in Charlottesville. I always have a good time watching my mom. She dances more than any of us! The incentive for me here is that Bonnie lives just a short drive (on the way home) from the cemetery, so mom and I always stop by there on Sunday mornings when we leave Bonnie's to go home.

A few friends here in Lynchburg try to get me out of the house once or twice during the week. I'm usually out with them for a couple of hours before I come home. Sometimes, I make a loop around town just to make things more like they use to be. The only problem with that is Larry isn't waiting for me to come in the door and ask me what I'm doing home so early. I always -- always -- kissed him whenever I left the house, and we always told one another "I love you". Plus, he'd add for me to be careful and I'd tell him to call me if he needed me for anything. The small stuff...that's what I miss so much. The every day, run of the mill, routine stuff. God, I miss him... I keep a basket of Fall flowers with a cross, a USA flag, and an angel on his grave. I'll change the flowers to something Christmas-y after Thanksgiving.

I'll type more later...keep in touch!!!

One Month...

12:33AM -- Sunday marked one month since I lost the only man that ranked right up there with my two sons in love. I didn't even love their dad as much as I loved the boys. I know...sad, but true. However, Larry shared that spot...that devotion and love. I went to my sister's house again this past Saturday. We met up with my mom and other sister at the Charlottesville Moose. (They really are trying to keep me from isolating myself.) Mom and I always ride by the cemetery on Sunday mornings on our way back to our homes in opposite directions. I did okay, but about half way home, I lost it. Too much time to think while driving, I suppose. A friend called and wanted me to come over to her house and spend some time watching a game with other friends she had invited over. I didn't go. I ended up sleeping most of the day and was in bed for the night by 7:00pm.

The boys have now moved upstairs, and I have turned our computer room into my bedroom. The computers are still in there, but I now have a single bed. The house is still out of order because I get distracted and end up crying. I generally just go to bed. It's hard to change things, when all I really want to do is turn the clock back by at least 6 years. I know I can't. I know I'll never see him come home through the front door again, but God, I wish I could just once more.

I've got packets to mail out to all the kids, Lyle, Alyce, and Lyn...I just need to get to the post office. It's late, so I guess I'll close here. I hope all of you are doing well. Please keep in touch. Love, hugs, and kisses to everyone!

I'm Managing...

03:32PM -- I'm doing better. Not great by any means, but better. I wear his shirts and still spray his Drakkar on his pillows at night. An 8x10 faces me from the table next to his side of the bed, which is where I sleep. I talk to him and pray he'll answer me...whether in a dream; or a vision. I cry. I smile. Then, I cry some more. I told him many years ago that if he died before me he may as well take me with him. He told me if I died before him, he'd totally give up everything -- dialysis, meds, etc. -- because he wouldn't want a life without me, either. Our relationship...our love...was so profound and I thank God for every day I was blessed to have him in my life. I've always said that people go through the bad stuff in life, so that when the good stuff happens you truly appreciate and cherish it even more. God knows, he was my "good stuff". It just doesn't get any better than what we shared between us. I have about 9 pictures of him (of all ages) sitting across the top of our entertainment center in the living room. I wear one of his rings. I still wear his "special" necklace that he gave me. I gave him my wedding ring, slipping it on his little finger days before he passed away. I told him I wanted him to have it...to take something of me with him. Yes, I miss it, but the necklace means just as much to me, if not more. Plus, the necklace had been his.

I'm managing to do a little each day now as far as packing a few things, but only the small stuff. I'm keeping things I know I should throw out. Like the last straw he sipped water from that morning. Tissues that I wiped his mouth with at the end. Sounds morbid, I know. But, God, I just can't let him totally disappear. He was and still is the center of my world. I told my mom the other day, I don't believe there is another man walking this earth that will ever measure up to Larry in my eyes. Once-in-a-lifetime.

The events of that morning...

NOVEMBER 1, 2008: 11:05AM -- It has taken me over a week to finally be able to finish this post. I cry until I make myself sick. I've had to see my doctor and he told me that if I don't get out of the house and start seeing friends and doing things I'm going to make myself a lot worse than I already have. I'm trying. A few of my friends -- because I was out of the loop for several weeks or whatever -- are pretty much removed from my circle. But, then there are those few friends that I thought wouldn't be there for me who have actually rallied and shown me what our friendships are truly made of - Trudy, Martha, and Cindy and Willie, have all been asking me to meet with them. I've gone a few times, but don't stay out long. I feel closer to him here at home. I still feel "antsy" when I'm gone -- like I need to hurry to get back home. I even caught myself this past Monday evening sitting here in front of the computer and thought...'I haven't heard him, I need to go in and check on him.' When I pushed away from the desk and started to get up, I realized what I'd done. I lost it. I've been going to bed very early (sometimes by 7:00pm); I get up between 2:00am and 7:00am. Last night I was up when the boys got home from work at 11:40pm and then I went to bed. I don't spend a lot of time on the computer anymore. I'm doing the one thing I never used to do and that's watch a lot of television. I tell people that Larry has influenced me so much. He raised the bar; setting my standards so high that I don't think there is another person out there that could ever achieve them.

OCTOBER 23, 2008: 09:00AM -- Yesterday marked one week since my wonderful husband passed away. It was hard. I laid on our bed during the space of his final 45 minutes, reliving the events in my mind's eye and crying to the point of making myself sick. I'll never forget Larry waking me at 3:00AM that morning with, "Honey."

My response, "What?"

And him saying, "It's time."

Still groggy with only 2 or 3 hours of sleep, I asked, "Time for what, honey?"

He responded, "I'm going to die."

I rolled out of bed, turning on the small lamp next to him, and stood beside him. He told me, "I can't breathe."

I tried to get him to use his O2, but he refused, telling me to "Let me go." Mumbling over and over, "Just let me go." I assured him I would do whatever he wanted.

His breathing was very shallow, his skin cool, and I tried to get him to take the Morphine, but again he refused, telling me to "just let me go." I told him the Morphine would help open his airways, making breathing easier. I then called hospice and covered him with a thin thermal blanket.

He talked so lucidly most of the morning, although at one point he said he couldn't see me. That's when I turned on the overhead light. The nurse came in around 3:30AM and checked him. His heart rate was 66 beats/minute. She noticed, as I had, that his mouth was somewhat twisted and said he had most likely had a mini stroke. I told her he had a history of them. She told me he would most likely last until afternoon or early evening. Then, she left to go to another patient in Bedford.

I called Alice, his hospice nurse, later that morning, leaving a voicemail, and she came by, getting here around 10:00AM, I think. She had another patient in the final stages of life also. His sister Lyn had arrived back at our house around 8:45AM from SC. I stayed next to him either on the bed or sitting in a chair beside the bed.

He asked about Jim at dialysis - if he had been there the night before. I explained he hadn't that it had been almost two weeks since Jim's visit.

He asked about Lyn and if I had talked to her. I said 'yes' that I had called her and told her, and that she was already on her way here. He said he wished I hadn't said anything to her. Then we talked about my many trips alone from SC to VA when my dad was so sick. He repeated a few times, "father and daughter". Then he talked about Alyson, his daughter, for a couple of minutes.

I'd noticed he had broken out into a sweat

At approximately 10:20AM - with Alice and Lyn out of the room - Larry looked me directly in my eyes, holding our gaze for a few moments, and in a clear, intelligible voice told me "I love you so much." I hugged him tight, kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. Those were his last words to me.

Finish date -- NOVEMBER 1, 2008: Alice had finally gotten Larry to agree to take some Morphine. (20mg, which is a very low dose) With Alice and Lyn in the bedroom, I took a break and walked out on the front porch for a cigarette. Ten minutes. During this time, Alice joined me and keyed in information on her laptop while talking to me. She said he would probably last until that afternoon because his skin was warm and his heart rate was 66 and 81 beats per minute. She said that wasn't unusual at the end. Because their b/p cuffs never worked on him, she was unable to check his blood pressure, so I suggested checking his temperature/body temperature. She said she was going to do that when we went in. Needless to say, I went back in.

I stood at the foot of the bed and Alice placed the thermometer under his left arm. (He was laying on his right side.) Lyn was sitting on the bed next to him. His left arm suddenly shot straight up in the air, his head turning to face the ceiling and eyes wide open. He gasped as if in pain. Looked over towards Lyn and closed his eyes. Lyn moved up from the bed as I quickly moved and sat down next to him, placing my hand on his cheek...talking to him softly. Moments later the rattle began that indicates the end. Tears sprang in my eyes as I continued telling him how much I loved him. I remember Alice touching my arm that was around his waist and asking if I wanted them to leave the room and I said 'yes'. Then, I repeated what I knew he needed to hear..."It's okay, honey. Let go." "Go to that happy place." "I love you so much." "I'll be okay, just let go, honey." "No one will ever replace you in my life...You have been and will always be the center of my world." "God is there for you." "It's okay to let go, baby." Needless to say, my heart broke; but, I knew he needed to let go. It was time. Time to stop hurting and be whole...healthy...happy. And, he had already had a glimpse of what awaited him on the other side over a year ago. It took between 5 -10 minutes at the most, before he let go at 10:56am. I stayed with him, hugging him and kissing him. While it was the best thing for him, my world fell apart.

Alice checked for a heartbeat, but I didn't need the confirmation. I knew. Lyn came in and sat on his side of the bed. I had her give me several tissues and I wiped the saliva from the corner of his mouth and out of his beard. Alice and I changed him and cleaned him up; got him dressed before Mr. Page came to pick him up and take him to the funeral home. We had an hour with him which was fine by me. Linda (at the funeral home)called me once he had gotten there "safe and sound".

I will attempt to add more on the days following. In the meantime, you can visit the Daily Progress newspaper's website to see Larry's obit/picture and sign the guestbook by clicking here.

My World Shattered This Morning...

PORTER, LARRY MILTON
Larry Milton Porter of Lynchburg, VA died Thursday, October 16, 2008, at his home after a lengthy illness. Born in Lansing, MI., he is the son of Alyce Vera Slater of Swansea, SC and Lyle Dean Porter of New Port Richey, FL.

In addition to his parents, he is survived by his devoted and loving wife, Brenda (Brown) Porter; sons, Craig of GA; Robert (Stacy); Kevin (Tommilyn); and daughter, Alyson (Justin), all of MO; son, Christopher (Jennifer); daughter, Erin, all of OH; stepsons, David and Richard Davis of Lynchburg; and 10 grandchildren. Additional survivors include his sister, Lynell Williamson (Michael) of SC.

Mr. Porter served as a member of the U.S. Navy assigned to the USS Magoffin (APA-199) during the Vietnam War, receiving an Honorable Discharge in 1965.

He retired in 1998 as Medical Administrator of the Veteran's Outpatient Clinic in Toledo, Ohio after 18 years service.

Mr. Porter was a member of American Legion Post 553 in Toledo, Ohio for 19 years. Prior to leaving the area in 2000, Post 553 presented a Resolution recognizing him as Honorary Post Commander.

The family will receive family and friends at Thacker Brothers Funeral Home in Scottsville, VA from 7 to 8 p.m. Saturday, October 18, 2008. Services will be held on Sunday, October 19, 2008 at 2:00 p.m. in the Thacker Brothers Chapel with graveside services and interment at Scottsville Cemetery in Scottsville, VA.

Thacker Brothers Funeral Home, Scottsville, VA, is in charge of arrangements, (434) 286-2791.

Day 13...

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th:
07:13AM -- Yeah, I know...it's way too early for me to be out of bed. Well, try not to fall out of your chair, because I've been up for over an hour now. I know...I know....scary, eh?

It's now been 13 days since Larry last dialyzed. He's still doing okay, other than the confusion and disorientation has become more pronounced. He's sleeping at the moment, although he has awakened me a couple of times during the wee hours of the morning. He isn't eating other than a couple of bites of something each day. Larry drank very little yesterday, although he requested an Ensure in the morning and drank all of it. That was pretty much it for the day until around 5:00AM this morning. He has had about 5 sips of water. He looked at me and said "Thank you, my darling" after the last sip. I had to wake Richard up around 5:00AM to come upstairs and help slide Larry up to the top of the bed. I really don't know what I'd do if Richard wasn't here to help with him. I can roll him over and twist him onto his side; but, there's no way I can grab him and slide him up in the bed.

TUESDAY, OCT. 14th:
Lynell and Alyce left today going back home to SC. Richard had to leave early to take Chris (David) to work on time. Lyn says she is coming back tomorrow...not sure if Alyce will or not. If someone isn't here to take care of him, I don't leave the house even to run to the grocery store, which is just over a hill or two from us.

We got a sweet note from Aunt Corky in the mail today. I read it to him. It seemed to take him a few minutes to figure out who Aunt Corky was, but I think it finally sunk in.

Michelle -- hospice social worker -- stopped by yesterday for a short while. She noticed a reduction in his strength from her last visit. She offered help, but I don't feel like I need any. Or, as I explained to a friend who offers help...I don't even know "how" to ask for help...much less what kind of help. And it really doesn't bother me, because I've taken care of Larry for so long. Of course, I'm one of those who thinks that if someone really wants to help, they'd pretty much do it on their own without being asked. It's not pride, on my part; it's just a philosophy I've always lived by.

Larry's mom asked me one day last week if I had an antidepressant. I told her yes but I wasn't taking them. Geez...I wonder if that was a hint to take one? Oh well...LOL! I think I'm doing pretty good. I actually felt peaceful and calm last night with just the two of us here. I even washed about 5 loads of clothes today...and have them all put away! Washing comforters and linens also.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15th:
I'll post more later. As it is right now, Larry is still waking up, although it takes him several minutes to focus.

He's doing okay...

UPDATE...04:47PM -- Alice, Larry's hospice nurse, just left a few moments ago. To summarize her visit, she seems to think he has a couple of more days. The apnea and twitching are more frequent now. He's been asleep most of the day but I attribute part of this to the fact that he was awake most of the night. He is having some difficulty swallowing, but still does okay...so far. His heart rate was good: 66 beats/minute and steady. He seems to have difficulty focusing. I'll try to post a bit more later.

11:01AM -- Larry is doing as well as can be expected. He's still alert at times and realizes he's "confused". He takes Dilaudid about every 3-4 hours now at 6ml per dose. He told me last night that he had something really important to tell me, and I let him talk. He choked up once while telling me..."If I should die...I want you to know how very much I love you." I think he was afraid to go to sleep last night. He'd close his eyes and then open them wide, either staring at me or the ceiling. He dosed off around midnight, and was awake around 2:30AM. He asked for an Ensure. I would dose off and wake up...I woke up once around 4:30AM and he was staring at the ceiling, the tv still on. I got up and told him he needed to get some sleep. He said okay. I turned off his tv, and helped him roll over in bed. I gave him some Dilaudid and he finally dropped off to sleep only to wake up around 8:20AM this morning.

He's got a lot of head congestion which is interfering with his hearing. The doctor prescribed a Z-pack and Claritin. He's taking those along with his 81mg aspirin and Metatopolol (both for his heart). These are the only pills he will take.

I made my chocolate, cherry, caramel trifle yesterday and told him about it. His response was "No shit?!" (He loved it the first time I made it.) He ate a couple of bites. He got a phone call from a former RN (Lauren...or as he called her "hot lips hoolihan") over at dialysis. She called him from KY and said she would be back in our area on Friday and would come see him. Lots of calls from his children and dad. He loves hearing from them. I got a lovely email from his first hospice nurse, Missy. She sent along a prayer shawl for him. I keep it on his bed or nearby.

His voice is weak and sometimes intelligible. Of course, I baby him a lot. Needless to say, he lets me know when I've gone to far with it. Most of the time telling me to "stop bugging" him or "stop pushing" him; or once in awhile, to "stop aggravating" him. He's never been one to mince words. *smile* A trait I've always loved about him.

More later as my mom, sisters Linda and Bonnie, and cousin, Faye are here. His mom and sister are staying here with me and have been since last Wednesday.

A Good Day...

Left: Larry with daughter, Alyson. (taken 2008)

06:40PM -- Larry has had a fairly good day. He's taken Dilaudid about 3 times so far, but has remained awake most of the day. He's having the usual memory problems, but doing okay. Last night, however, was at the other end of the spectrum. He hurt tremendously. He got upset with me because I needed to put his pain patches on. I got upset and tried to calm him down. After about 20 minutes everything settled down. He's eating next to nothing, and drinking very little. He wanted vegetable beef soup today; and after about 4 spoons, he fell asleep. When he woke up, he said all "that food" really knocked him out. I'm managing to get his eyedrops in about once a day now, instead of twice. He's not taking his regular meds. He told me last night that they "won't save him from..." and he couldn't finish the sentence. Or rather, he wouldn't finish the sentence. He always tells me when his children call that he or she "said they loved me". He tears up each and every time. I just gave him a dose of Dilaudid (5ml) to maintain his comfort. He's had a pretty good day as far as pain is concerned.

I'll post more later, if I have the time...

Visitors and Quiet Times...

09:16AM -- Good morning... Larry is still sleeping, hugging my pillow. He aked me to help him roll over and I had him grip my hand. His grip was quite strong!

Yesterday: Larry seemed confused, in pain, sleepy, not hungry, not thirsty, hungry, thirsty, and alert. I know...sounds contradictory, doesn't it? There was a multitude of human wants and don't wants yesterday. While he doesn't eat much of anything, he woke up yesterday morning at 8AM and I offered to fix him a scrambled egg. He was eager for it. He ate a little better than half. That was it for the entire day until late afternoon. He then took 2 tiny bites of KFC chicken which I had deboned, chopped, and shredded. He asked for coleslaw, and he took a small bite of that. He had trouble chewing and once in awhile held food and sips of water in his mouth. I have gone to the grocery store and bought baby foods, as later last night he ate apple sauce very well, and a good portion at the same time. I was pleased. However, I know that the lost of appetite (including fluid intake) and sleeping a lot are all signs of the stages we go through at the end of life. Its been unbelievably hard to watch him slipping away from me, but yesterday he told me "I just want the pain to stop". Larry has been strong through this; holding to his convictions; and showing to everyone who comes in contact with him what dignity is all about. Whenever he talks to his children, he cries after the call has ended now. Before it was during the calls. He loves them all so much...and is proud of the accomplishments of each and every one. His grandchildren brought joy into his life. They are such well behaved children...comments he has made after visits with them.

Alice (the hospice nurse) brought along the hospice doctor (Dr. Pat, I think) around mid-day yesterday. Larry's heart rate was 68 and his lungs are still clear. I explained to them at this time that Larry and I would be the only ones in our bedroom during the end. It's how he wanted it. It's how he will get it. I will want someone with hospice there for support.

My youngest sister, Bonnie, drove down after work to make a surprise visit, but got lost in town and ended up having to call me to get directions from the hospital - where she ended up - to our house. SURPRISE!!! LOL!

Michelle - the hospice social worker - stopped by as well. She told me that the nurses would love to have me come work with them. A nice compliment. She visited with Larry, Lynell, and Alyce for a while.

He got several calls yesterday. Rob, Kevin, his dad, and I inadvertently dialed Erin's number, but that was okay...he enjoyed talking to her...hearing their voices.

Sarah - Erin's daughter - sent him a picture she had drawn after her last visit and he has it on his desk. His favorite picture from that visit was the one where Sarah gave him a long, big hug around his waist. I printed it, and he has it sitting on his desk. I will be moving pictures of the grandchildren and children into our bedroom today so he can see each of you, and know he is surrounded by your love.

I remember a year or two ago, Larry coded at dialysis. Andrea, a tech, told me he was mad as hell at them when he "woke up" telling them he was having a beautiful dream, vivid colors, tranquil, calm, etc. and in no uncertain terms proceeded to give them hell for waking him up. He told them he didn't want to wake up. Andrea said they told him that "beautiful dream" was no dream, that he had coded. That memory gives me a great comfort during this time. Because I know he will return to that "beautiful dream" and no longer suffer the pains of cancer and diabetes. God knows, I'll never find what Larry and I share, again. This kind of love is a once-in-a-lifetime kind. The kind that goes so deep it wraps your soul into it and claims it forever.

I've got to check on him....more later.

A Quick Update

09:15PM -- Lyn and Alyce got here around 2:00PMish. Larry hasn't eaten anything today. He wanted the Tuscany Chicken again, but we've warmed it over twice now since I first gave it to him around 5ish. It's still untouched. I've already taken an Ensure in there, replacing his water so he will drink it. I spoke with Jim at dialysis a few minutes ago, and this is expected. I told him Larry is becoming confused but still has a little kick in him when I urge him to eat. Jim said he is probably pretty fuzzy right now with the toxin build up in his system as it will be 8 days tomorrow since his last dialysis treatment. He said that once he slips into the coma, which most likely will be this weekend - if not before - it usually takes up to 24 hours before he will quietly pass away. Of course, we have to be concerned about his heart at the same time due to the fact that 2 arteries remain 70% to 80% blocked. We are hoping this doesn't happen. The hospice nurse is bringing the hospice doctor with her tomorrow around mid-day. The nurse, Alice, was here today and flushed his dialysis port, showing me how to do it. I'll post here again soon.
11:03PM -- Larry didn't eat the Tuscany Chicken. However, he has a slice of New York style cheesecake which he had asked me to buy for him this evening. I moved his water and placed an Ensure in its place hoping he will drink it.

Bringing you up to date...

06:53PM -- Needless to say, the last couple of days have been difficult. Larry has accepted his fate, and is so dignified in light of what his happening to him. He has begun to hurt from the slightest touch almost anywhere on his body. He tried to sit on the edge of our bed yesterday a couple of times, but could only stay there about a minute. He's growing weaker every day. However, he did eat a Michelini's (sp) dish of Garlic Tuscany-Style Chicken Alfredo late last night, only leaving a couple of bites. Today, he has eaten half a bagel and is munching on celery and peanut butter. He hasn't experienced any nausea today, so far. Jim -- from dialysis -- stopped by last night and talked to us for a while. He told Larry that if he changed his mind and wanted to dialyze, all we had to do was call him and he'd have things set up for him. Larry told him last week was too much, and that at this point, dialysis was only prolonging the inevitable.

He has talked to all of his children. He said he hopes to talk to all of them at least once more. I spoke to Jim outside last night and asked him if my thoughts on what was about to happen. He validated them. He said that Larry - given his current condition - because his last dialysis was last Thursday, would most likely slip into a coma over the coming weekend or very early next week. Many of his techs at dialysis will be stopping by to see him in the next day or so. Lyn and Alyce (his mom) will arrive here Wednesday - probably around mid-day. My two boys have already talked to their supervisors, and between their PTO (paid time off), bereavement, vacation and about 7 days of unpaid time will be here with us/me until mid-November beginning this week.

I'll try to update the blog as often as possible - at least daily - from here on out. It's hard to sit here and write this, but I want all of you to be informed.

It's Time...

01:22PM -- I wanted everyone to know that Larry has - as of today - made the decision not to go back to dialysis. His hospice nurse, Alice, stopped by again today (she was here Friday afternoon and will be back tomorrow afternoon) and talked to him openly, answering his questions, so that he could make a final decision based on facts. Alice had talked to me Friday afternoon and told me that he may have 2 and at the most 4 weeks left. She stated that if he continues to dialyze, he would most likely have a heart attack during dialysis.

He dialyzed last Thursday. His dialysis cath will be flushed and made available to the hospice nurse and me in and effort to administer morphine and in the event of chest pain (heart failure) a chemical to ease the pain there.

Events leading up to this began last week.
• last Tuesday, he fell from the car (I caught him), bumping his head on the door. No marks, redness or anything, but the jolt aggravated the cancer and he suffered major pain. It took me and 3 dialysis techs/nurses to get him back into the car after dialysis to get him home. He was in horrendous pain. It took me almost 45 minutes and 5ml of dilaudid to get him out of the van and into his wheelchair to get him in the house. I then spent another hour+ trying to get him into bed from the wheelchair. He told me if the bus did not pick him up on Thursday, he was not going back...it wasn't worth the pain.
• I called on Wednesday and rushed the paperwork through and got him approved for the paratransit bus.
• Thursday the bus picked him up here at home and took him to dialysis. He was put into a larger chair and reclined during dialysis. When finished, they sat him up and he lost control of his bowels. He needed to be cleaned from waist to foot, removed all his soiled clothes and wore hospital scrubs home. The bus brought him home and I got him into bed.

He has not been out of bed since. He can only sit for 20-30 minutes at a time. His blood pressure and strength are dropping as well as his weight. Pressure sores, that will never heal per his hospice nurse, are extremely painful. We are doing all that we can to "cushion the areas" but any pressure affects them. His skin as become very brittle. His strength is acutely diminished and he's unable to sit up or roll over by himself now.

If you would like to speak to him, now is the time. His nephrologists have told us that within 1-2 weeks of stopping dialysis, he will slip into a coma. If his heart doesn't give out before then.

He requested a week ago to vote by absentee ballot. I got his and mine in the mail yesterday to complete (as a caregiver, I can do so too). I will have him complete his later this evening and mail them back tomorrow. At least he will do the one thing he so desperately wanted to do...vote.

I'm okay most of the time.

Peeling a hard boiled egg...this is wayyyy cool!!

Hard-boiled eggs can be annoying and time consuming to peel. In the video below, master of time management Tim Ferris (author of the great book, The Four Hour Work Week), demonstrates how easy it is to get the egg without having to peel it!
Instructions:

1. Cover the eggs with water and boil on low for about 12 minutes
2. Cool the eggs by placing them in cold water with 1 teaspoon of baking soda and ice. The baking soda raises the pH level and reduces adherence. If you choose not to use baking soda, be sure to move the eggs into cold water with plenty of ice immediately after boiling
3. Crack the top of the egg and remove a small piece
4. Crack the bottom (wide end) of the egg and remove a small piece
5. Hold the egg in your hand and blow vigorously into the narrow end of the egg, which will expel it out the wide end
   Doesn’t get much easier than that! Just be ready to catch it when it comes out…
   

Here's the Latest...

01:56AM -- A lot has happened in the last week, so I'll try to summarize it all. Larry didn't dialyze on Tuesday or Saturday last week, and only dialyzed for 3 hours on Thursday.

His bedsore is causing a lot of pain for him, and he has 3 other skin breakdowns. The one on his heel and inside below the ankle is healing nicely. I'm using honey on all of them and it is working well. I also alternate the honey with silverdine and acquacel ag. I change these bandages every day. He's experiencing nausea. He has problems with an upset stomach every so often, and suffered dreadfully with heartburn tonight. I gave him his Prilosec which eventually eased that up. He's hoarse tonight, and says it was from coughing. Naturally, my immediate concern was the heartburn may have been a heart attack instead. But, the Prilosec worked. He's had some tough times with the cancer pain in his lower left abdomen. I called hospice and they contacted his oncologist. They upped his dosage on the Dilaudid from 4ml every 2 hours to 8ml every 2 hours. I was told to give him the Dilaudid whether he was having pain or not as a preventive measure. While I don't do it every 2 hours, I do give him an initial dose every day when he wakes up.

He told me last week to have hospice send in a hospital bed for him. So, it was delivered Thursday while he was in dialysis and I set up a single bed next to it for me. However, he woke up Friday morning complaining he was uncomfortable, couldn't sleep in it because of that, so I called hospice and had them remove it Friday afternoon (around 3pm) and I put our bed back in our room once the hospital bed had been taken out.

We learned from his newest hospice nurse that Missy - the first hospice nurse - will not be returning to hospice care afterall. We have really missed her, but wish her the very best. It's got to be one of the toughest jobs out there.

I contacted the Central Virginia Area on Aging here in the city and they came out on Friday to qualify Larry for the paratransit that the city bus line offers. They will pick him up here at home and bring him back from dialysis every day he goes at no cost to us. I've had to pull him across his sliding board from the bed to the wheelchair; into the van; lift his legs into the van and repeat the process on returns home. So, this will alleviate all that strain on him and me as the paratransist bus has a lift.

Larry's appetite isn't any better and he's very weak...steadily losing weight now. He eats very little and I make sure he drinks at least one if not 2 Ensures each day. He still gets on his computer for a short while most days. Today (Sunday) he stayed in the bedroom, watching tv and not complaining although I know he felt really bad. (It shows on his face when he isn't aware that I'm in the room.) I've also noticed a slight twitching (which he isn't aware of) in the area of his mouth and cheek. I stayed in the bedroom most of the afternoon and early evening today.

It's late, so I'll close here and try not to skip so many days in the future here.

Git 'er Done!!

10:16AM -- Well, I thought I should update everyone on how things are here since he is still asleep. Larry and I had visitors over the last weekend. Lyn and Alyce came up from SC. Larry and I both enjoyed the visit and I took my Paxil to make sure Lyn and Alyce would too. I swear I sometimes believe I'm bipolar. Anyway, I got a few pictures taken and I'll post them here in the next day or so. Larry is doing okay for the most part. He still sleeps a lot, and deals with pain and nausea on a daily basis. He's begun complaining with a belly ache. He didn't go to dialysis yesterday (Tuesday, 09/24) because he didn't want to go. His ending b/p last Saturday at dialysis was 124/64, I think. I'll check with the techs tomorrow. His ending weight was 87.9 kilos, so he's still losing weight. Larry and I talked about getting him a hospital bed the other night...he initiated the discussion. So, Thursday (09/25 -- tomorrow), Hospice will deliver the bed. I'll be moving around and cleaning the carpet in our bedroom at some point today...if I can get myself motivated. Then, while Larry is at dialysis Thursday, I'll dismantle the bed and move it downstairs. I'll be moving the roll-away bed into our bedroom, or bring the single bed up from the garage for me. Not decided yet, but I still have a little time. Maybe do both.

Okay...Larry is having skin breakdowns, and this includes the sacral wound (bedsore). He's been on an antibiotic for several days now. One is on his heel which advanced 2 weeks ago to under his ankle. That one is healing and I had dialysis run a culture on it last week to make sure it was okay. He also has one on the back of his right upper thigh; an irritation in a similar location on the left thigh; one small one that is healing nicely on the lower front of his calf; and the bedsore. I'm cleaning, applying silverdine, or acquacel, or honey to the areas. Yesterday, I had him out of his pants/depends so the bedsore could get some "air". It looked better last night before I bandaged it. Larry is weak...hence the hospital bed. It takes me pulling him into the van to do to dialysis or other appts. I have to help him sit up and to lift his legs into bed. We have increased his Dilaudid from 4ml every 2 hours to 6ml. If his pain is really bad, I can give him 8ml every 2 hours. Hospice instructed me to give him Dilaudid even if there isn't any pain in an effort to prevent severe pain...preventative treatment. I've been doing that once each morning and then as an as needed basis per Larry's needs.

I'm antsy today. I'll write more later...

Weekend Warrior...Yeah, Right!

09:43AM -- Larry is doing as well as he can for all the problems going on. He's suffering with several skin breakdowns: one on back of upper thigh; one on inside ankle and heel; one on lower front calf; and, his bedsore is acting up again. I change bandages daily; cleansing, drying, applying topical meds. He hasn't had a lot of need for his pain med, but the nausea is still giving him a fit. He's still weak, but with his appetite down like it is, that's almost expected. His ending b/p at dialysis on Tuesday was lower than usual (134/47) and his ending weight was 88.7 kilos. He didn't go to dialysis on Thursday, but is suppose to go today. Actually he needs to go today. There's no way he can't go. That would be pushing his luck. (Without dialysis, most patients will slip into a coma within a week or two.) He's having trouble turning over in bed in the mornings, so I have to help him. We discussed getting a hospital bed brought in with an air mattress and trapeze. The hospice nurse said all I have to do is say the word and the bed will be delivered the same day. Larry isn't ready for that so we have put it off. He said he wants to be able to reach out and touch me during the night so he knows I'm there. But, I have to pull him up to a sitting position; assist with moving his right leg because he can't; I have to help slide him (by lifting under his arms) up towards the top of the bed; I have to help slide him into bed from the wheelchair and vice versa; and, in and out of the car. He's still sleeping a lot although he did wake up yesterday morning by himself at 10:00am (which was a first in a LONG time).

Lyn and Alyce got here last night just after 10:00pm for a weekend visit. They had expected me to be out. I opted to stay home and got some housework done. I took a Paxil this morning so I wouldn't scare them off. LOL!!! The stress of this is finally getting to me and while I don't take Paxil every day, I do find myself taking it on average of 2 - 3 times a week now. It's 10:00am, so I am going to go wake Larry and get him ready for dialysis so he can spend a little time with the family. More later...

Another Wait-n-See Day

09:56AM -- I am late getting up this morning but then again, I was even later getting into bed (somewhere around 4:00am this morning). Larry ate most of his steak and veggies last night. However, I had to reheat the meal for him no less than 3 times over the course of a couple of hours. I gave him another Ensure at dinner to take his pills with. He began having problems remembering how to work the remote again. I walked into the bedroom to check on him and he had fell back across the bed and was sleeping. I woke him up so I could get him situated in bed correctly (his legs on the bed), and he decided he wanted to sit for a while. It was about 2:00am at this time. I'm constantly up and down the hallway checking in on him, sometimes just standing quietly in the doorway watching him. Anyway, I left the room and checked in again about 10-15 minutes later. The tv was on the guide and his fingertip aimlessly moved over a few buttons on the remote, without pressing any of them. I offered to help but he refused to allow me to turn the tv off - at one point telling me to "stop picking on" him. I explained I only wanted to help. I told him he needed to go to sleep because he has dialysis "tomorrow". He allowed me to help him lie down at this point, putting his legs into bed and fixing his pillow. I left him alone and went back in the living room and began reading again. At 2:45am, I went back to check on him and he was asleep, remote in hand, and the tv still on. I began to pull the remote away and he grasped it tighter. I told him he needed to go to sleep that it was now "quarter to three" in the morning and he has dialysis. He seemed surprised that it was so late and allowed me to take the remote. He asked what I was doing and I told him waiting on the boys to get home from work. He was asleep when I finally crawled into bed around 4 this morning. I think the last time I looked at the clock it was 5am. Anyway, it is almost time now to wake Larry and get him ready for dialysis. I'll be back later.

Update...

09:53PM -- Larry has stayed in bed all day, watching a little tv, but sleeping most of the time. He didn't know what day it was, so I had to tell him. He's eaten about a half bowl of cereal and drank almost a full can of Ensure between 1:30pm and 4:30pm. I just woke him so that he can possibly eat his steak and peas/carrots from last night. Plus, I gave him another Ensure along with a small tumbler of Vernor's ginger ale. He wasn't sure what ginger ale was and it took some tips like "the Vernor's you always drank when we were in Ohio". Then I think he grasped which ginger ale I was talking about. He's got his evening pills to take and I'll do his eye drops shortly.

What Does It Take???

Not so good days...

11:50AM -- I wanted to post here last night but couldn't find the desire to sit still long enough to do it. Yesterday wasn't a good day for Larry. TIAs (mini-strokes) seemed to have plagued him almost all day long and late into the night. He wasn't able to concentrate and do routine things for himself. Examples: he stayed on his computer maybe 3 hours, but little accomplished; he couldn't figure out how to work his remote for the tv; he stated he had tried to call me 5 times, but i didn't answer -- he had been asleep for 4 hours; I checked his phone and he had called me at 7:15pm, which I had answered; he had picked up his phone around 11:15pm to call me but he was on an erase message screen; I had called out to my son and Larry thought he had heard Alyson talking. At 1:30am this morning, I finally took the remote away from him and turned off the bedside lamp because he still couldn't figure out the remote; and, when I laid down, he told me he was ready to get off the bedpan -- I had to explain he wasn't even on it. I gently told him to go to sleep, and he finally rolled over, grabbed his body pillow and fell asleep.

He took Dilaudid last night complaining with a backache and during dinner with heartburn (I gave him Tums). He takes Prilosec every evening. He said he had eaten his steak, and I had to put the steak and veggies in the fridge hours earlier. He may have eaten 2 bites of each. That's all he had all day long. So, I made him drink an Ensure with his evening pills.

This morning he has a "belly ache" and asked for Dilaudid. During his bath, he hurt no matter where I touched him. I kept apologizing and, needless to say, I suffered right along with him...not to his extent, I'm sure, but nonetheless... I'll change his pain patch in a few moments, and the bandage on his foot. Thank God, that seems to be healing nicely after breaking down overnight just over a week ago.

I haven't turned on his tv, so I'm still waiting to see if he'll be better today. He's growing weaker, and I know his lack of appetite is one of the culprits. I'll push him another Ensure this morning. LOL...I say morning and it is after 12:00pm already. He sleeps very late during the day. I'll try to get back here later today/evening to update...

Update...

01:41AM -- Hello everyone! Sorry I've neglected posting here. Things are pretty much the same. Except for the weather. Whew! It's been muggy and hot again! Suppose to hit the mid 90s today. After Monday, however, we'll be down in the 60s and 70s for daytime highs.

Larry is doing okay. He's weaker, but still manages to play mah-jong for a few hours every day. He only went to dialysis on Thursday this past week. He decided not to go on Saturday because he wanted his "long weekend". I'm taking that to mean he will go to dialysis on Tuesday. His ending B/P was 157/70 this past Thursday; and, his ending target weight was 89.7 kilos. He still tends to sleep a lot and his appetite is still down. He generally takes a nausea med every morning now. His pain seems to be lessening. Larry hasn't taken a lot of the Dilaudid lately. He took 4ml last night, but had not had any all day long yesterday.

The hospice nurse (Alice) didn't come by last week. Larry didn't want to be bothered since nothing much has changed. Our understanding now is that his other nurse, Missy, will be back around the end of this month. Yay! We'll be glad to see her again! *big smiles* We like Alice, but I guess because Missy has been with us since the beginning of all this that we've become "attached" to her. She's such a sweetheart and Larry and I both miss seeing her.

I guess this is pretty much it. I'm headed off to bed. More later!

SPECIAL NOTE: My computer went on the fritz a couple of weeks ago and I lost a lot of email addresses - Missy, yours was one of those - so, please...everyone, send me an email so that I can add all of you back in! THANKS!

It's Cloudy Here Again...

08:22AM -- This will be another wet week - with the exception of Thursday. Thunderstorms and showers all week, but the temps will certainly be tolerable. (70s and 80s) Larry is still sleeping. I'm not sure if he is going to dialysis today. He mentioned last night that he just didn't feel like going. I imagine he will bow out since it is raining. We'll see...

10:51PM -- Well, I had to wake Larry at 10:45 this morning. He decided he wasn't going to dialysis today. He said he'd go Thursday. He's been up on his computer and is now watching television in the bedroom. Larry seems to be doing okay today...no pain or nausea meds needed. He's been dealing with diarrhea since Sunday evening. I'm not sure I've mentioned this in a previous post, so I'll do it now... Larry has gotten weaker, and most of the time requires me to move his leg for as he doesn't have the strength to move it on his own. I generally have to help slide him along his sliding board from the bed to the wheelchair and vice-versa. The same holds true when he is getting into the van. I have to lift his foot up into the van as he can't do it alone. Then, I have to help get him centered in the seat. His apettite isn't at all what it should be. He eats very little and I've threatened to make him drink at least 3 Ensures a day. He's been passing small clots off and on in the past couple of weeks. No biggie compared to previous experiences. I've got to get his evening pills and eye drops done, so I'll close here.

It Was AWESOME!!! Big Thanks to Georgia!!!

(Right: Larry watching ZZ Top perform)
10:42AM -- The concert was great! Our seats were directly in front of the staging area...the accoustics in the arena were perfect, even when you felt the floor rumble beneath your feet. LOL! I even checked my cell phone a few times because the vibration felt as if it was ringing. (my cell always stays on vibrate) Anyway, Rodney Atkins was the opening act; followed by Brooks & Dunn; and then ZZ Top took over and just absolutely rocked the house!!! Those guys are just so attuned to each other after 35 years, they're amazing! Unlike soooo many bands out there that work the entire stage, ZZ Top does their famous in-sync steps and just commands attention. I warned Larry that when they did Sharp Dressed Man, I would most likely embarrass him. That's my all time favorite song by ZZ Top!
Brooks and Dunn were great. They did a lot of their top hits. None of them played for more than a hour and 15 minutes...give or take a few. Rodney Atkins was great too! He's been to Cattle Annie's in the past year once or twice, I think. We got home around 12:30ish. It was a long day for Larry, but he so enjoyed it. I even caught him smiling and rocking to the beat in his chair a few times.

11:42AM -- Larry just woke up about 30 minutes ago. Nauseated and pain. Gave him meds for both and also changed his patch. The attendents/staff at the arena were very helpful and accommodating. They made sure I could get our van next to the curb/sidewalk so Larry would be able to easily slide into the seat from his wheelchair. They personally directed us through traffic to take the easiest access outlet. We came home with a few souvenirs. Definitely not least of all a ZZ Top necklace (which will "illegal or not" hang from our rearview mirror in the van) and a t-shirt! Above and to the right is the necklace and front of the t-shirt. Brooks and Dunn are in the pic below:

Note: Last night after getting home, I was taking care of Larry's needs and was standing in front of him while he sat on the side of the bed. Someone lightly laid a hand on my upper shoulder blade, so I turned expecting to see one of my boys (Richard or Chris). No one was there!!! I told Larry about it and he said it may have been a Guardian Angel. It didn't scare me. Actually, I was pretty calm...accepting. (Not the first time it's happened to me, but it has been quite a few years since the last time.) No, I'm not on drugs. I don't even do my prescribed meds on a regular basis. However, I DO believe in angels, God and the Holy Spirit.

DON'T FORGET: YOU CAN CLICK ON THE PICTURES FOR A FULL SIZE VIEW!

It's the day before....

06:46PM -- Larry is looking forward to his concert tomorrow evening in Charlottesville. We have pretty much decided that if ZZ Top performs first, we will listen to a few songs by Brooks & Dunn and then leave to return home. We'll leave here between 3:30 and 4:30PM tomorrow afternoon. Okay...now as for how he is doing. His ending B/P today at dialysis was 159/71 and his beginning weight was 91.5 kilos. He's having problems with being able to move his leg, but I help him there. I'm also having to help him get onto his sliding board and in and out of the van now. He's getting weaker, but I'm sure that is because his appetite is way down. I make him drink at least one Ensure each morning, but told him if he didn't start eating more during the day, I would give him an Ensure at least 3 times a day. Yesterday, he only ate half of a Hardee's Frisco Burger and a medium Hardee's Strawberry Banana Smoothie Shake. He drank tea and water, but ate nothing else...all day. Larry is also having problems with the breakdown of a sore on the heel of his right foot. I'm now changing the bandage daily...washing it with sterile wound cleanser; applying silverdine and/or aquacel ag; and covering it with a 4x4 gauze pad and then wrapping it. It looked better this morning, but still has a way to go. He's also got a skin abraision of some type (perhaps from the pullups he wears) that is tender to the touch. I've been applying silverdine and/or protective ointment to it daily after washing the area. He hasn't been nauseated today, however he did ask for Dilaudid this morning. I also changed the pain patch.

Just a quick note...

07:57PM -- Things are relatively quiet here. Larry is dealing with nausea today. He went to dialysis and dialyzed 3½ hours yesterday. Ending B/P was 175/80...not bad for him. His beginning weight was 91.5 kilos, so we lowered his target weight to 89.5 kilos from 90 kilos. This means he's still losing weight. His apettite is still waning. Things are either too sweet or too salty. I know this is related to his taste buds, because the comments are from foods he used to eat without such a complaint. Could be the meds doing it also. His pain has been lower today and he hasn't had to take anything extra, which means the pain patch was enough. He's passing small amounts of blood clots but nothing substantial. He's weaker. I'm having to help him get onto his sliding board to move from the bed to the wheelchair. Then, I also have to help him move his right leg (i.e., moving it on the bed or picking it up to get it in the van). However, he's still looking forward to Sunday and the ZZ Top concert! My only concern is getting him into the car AFTER the concert and then into the house. Perhaps he'll sleep on the ride home...rested enough and gotten some of his strength back from the exertion of the ride up there and the excitement during the show.

Just want to send our thoughts and prayers to all who have been sick in the family...Alyce, Ernestine, and Sue. Glad to hear everyone is getting along better and will soon be fully recovered!

This has been the weekend from hell.

05:54PM -- Oh, Larry's been doing well...or, at least nothing more than is the norm as of late. As for me...stress and nerves almost did me in. I finally took a "chill pill"...my strongest one and I was better after a few hours. Poor Lyn...she thought it was her at first until she noticed I was short with Larry and everyone else in the house. Larry dialyzed for 3 hours on Saturday. Lyn got here about mid-morning on Saturday. Larry is weak and needs a little extra help now getting in and out of his wheelchair and into the van. We (our neighbor) raised the height of the sidewalk ramp so Larry could get in the van without as much strain. He's just begun to take Prilosec every day as he's been complaining with heartburn. He hasn't taken a lot of Dilaudid but at least 8ml/day. Nausea seems to be the biggest problem right now. He takes meds for that as well.

I haven't been here for a few days to post anything because when I shut my puter down Friday night just to reboot, it gave me a system error. With my nerves/stress so bad, I just couldn't make myself sit here and fix it. I'm still working on getting it back up to where it was pre-crash. Gawd, I hate it when my puter goes on the fritz! More later....

WHEN YOUR HUT'S ON FIRE!!!!

03:47PM -- I got this in an email from a friend and realized how much truth there is to it. So, I decided to share it here with each of you. God is at work no matter what life throws at us.

WHEN YOUR HUT'S ON FIRE!!!!
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him!

'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers.

'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

It's Stopped Raining, but Still Cloudy...

10:33AM -- Larry is still sleeping, although I'm going in to wake him as soon as I post this to the blog. Not much in the way of news here. He slept most of the night. Thank God! I think he turned the TV off around midnight or 1-ish. I'll take him to dialysis around 12:15PM today and then I have an appointment to put new tires all the way around on the van at 2:30PM. I'll write more as soon as I get the chance. I'll be sure to post on whether or not he needed the transfusion today. I'll change his pain patch (Fentanyl 100 mcg/h) this morning as well.

He didn't eat a lot for dinner last night. He had the Zuppa Toscana (sausage soup) with 2 garlic breadsticks. A salad came with it, but he didn't eat it. He's not a bread person -- or at least he hasn't been in the past -- but he ate both of them. More later...

11:10AM -- Dialysis called. Larry's CBC (hemaglobin) was up from Saturday at 10.1 to 10.3, so he doesn't need the transfusion. That's good news. So, he's not going to dialysis today. He'll go this Saturday. (Sorry Lyn...lol) He needed a nausea med as soon as I woke him. (I can tell by the way he moves his mouth and face, whether or not he needs one now.) Haven't changed his patch yet, but I'm waiting for him to eat breakfast which consists of a bowl of Cheerios with Splenda and 2% milk; coffee; and Sunny D.

Haven't gotten the tickets and parking permit for the concert next weekend. Maybe today. Be back later...

01:46PM -- Still haven't gotten the tickets yet. Larry only ate about half of his cereal and drank almost all the Sunny D and a few sips of his coffee. Not much. But, he just got up and is on his computer. Still has a little pain, but I just changed his pain patch. He also took a dose of his Dilaudid around 11-ish and that's kicked in, so he should be okay for a while. I know...I know...Famous last words.

Not sure what happened...

11:11AM -- Yesterday, Larry felt lousy all day until last night (after another dose of Dilaudid, a nausea med, and possibly a 1 hour nap), he felt somewhat better. Well, somewhere around midnight, he wants to get up and go play Mah-Jong on his computer. Okay...no biggie. However, by 1:00AM, he was still playing. I have someone coming in today to repair the buttons on the water/ice dispenser on the frig, and I told him I needed to go to bed. He said he would have the boys help him to the bedroom when they get in (around 2:30AM). I made sure he didn't need anything, and I went to bed. Well...at 6:35AM, he isn't in bed. I flew out of bed thinking the worse, of course, and found him STILL playing Mah-Jong! I went back to bed once I knew he was okay, but couldn't sleep. Ended up getting up around 7:45AM. He didn't go to bed until almost 9:30 this morning. I gave him his morning meds and did all of his eyedrops. He's now sleeping. Strange...just strange.

Guess I'll see how the day goes. I had to reschedule getting the car inspected this morning to Friday morning, because I really need to get the ice dispenser fixed. Larry loves his crushed ice. More later...

By the way....IT'S FINALLY RAINING HERE!!! YAY!

02:12PM -- Larry is awake and nauseated, so he took a nausea pill. He hasn't asked for pain med...yet.

Geezum...the temp is dropping...down to 58º now.

11:07PM -- Larry has taken several short naps this afternoon/evening. He's sitting on the bed watching television and munching on a few oatmeal raisin cookies with a small glass of milk. He's doing okay and hasn't asked for pain or nausea meds recently. I'm getting ready to go to bed myself. It's still raining and we have had flash flood warnings most of the day. We so needed this rain. The temperature is holding at 60º. Larry stays cold, so I've had to turn on the heat and shut all the windows. Heard from Lynell today...she is planning to come visit with us this weekend. Tomorrow is dialysis day, and he may need a transfusion if his hemaglobin has continued to drop. They said if it was down in the 9 range they would give him blood. He also has new hours: Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays from 12:30PM to 4:45PM. He generally only goes 2 days a week now, skipping Saturdays...especially if there is family coming in. Okay...I'm out of here. Will try to update here tomorrow!